SOME people think the government should invest money in teaching science than other subjects in order to for a country to develop and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Individuals argue that the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
should distribute money in scientific courses
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
other subjects so that development can be seen. I firmly agree with
this
statement, and I will explain several reasons.
First,
science
benefits
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
through businesses
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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based on innovation.
This
means scientific improvement
such
as power utilization improvement boosts technology innovation.
For example
,
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the industrial
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industrial revolution
Correct your spelling
Industrial Revolution
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allowed Britain to become a superpower in the world
due to
innovation
Correct article usage
the innovation
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of
steam
Correct article usage
the steam
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machine. If there is no scientific progress, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
not so many innovations. When televisions
are
Wrong verb form
were
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invented by an American, the USA not only became a country which was
more freely
Correct word choice
free
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in information exchange
,
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apply
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but
also
the only one which has
the
Correct article usage
a
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TV program industry.
In addition
,
science
lessons need more funds than other subjects.
Science
lessons need more money rather than literature courses because the former demonstrate theory
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
experiments.
This
means essential development in theory is based on numerous scientific research, which
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not only cost on salary for researchers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
spend money on experiments. These tests need to be operated by using materials which are usually expensive.
For example
, chemicals are needed in chemistry classes, some of which are rare. As chemistry, physics and other advanced
subject
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subjects
show examples
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
prepared, some wealthier countries build spaceships for the reason of exploring the cosmic. In conclusion, I strongly believe scientific classes
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
the base of
science
progress, and the funds from authority should be lean on
science
lessons.
As a result
, there are more
innovated
Replace the word
innovative
show examples
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
show examples
will be introduced and more knowledge will be obtained, which
ensure
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensures
show examples
the development of a country.
Submitted by shaobo.xu on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion. You have touched on the main points effectively. However, it's important to develop some of your points further to provide a more comprehensive response. Particularly in the second body paragraph, examples can be expanded for better clarity and relevance.
coherence cohesion
While your essay flows logically, the transitions between paragraphs can be made smoother by using more cohesive devices. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily. Additionally, you should seek to balance the ideas presented in each paragraph for a more cohesive structure.
task achievement
Your main points are supported well, but some examples could be made more specific and relevant. Ensure that every example used clearly supports the point you're making to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition of certain phrases and words to maintain the reader's interest. Use synonyms and varied sentence structures to improve the readability of your essay.
task achievement
Your introduction is clear and your stance is firmly stated, which sets a good tone for the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a good command of language, which helps in articulating your ideas effectively. Additionally, your essay is well-structured, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct point.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • holistic development
  • technological advancements
  • critical thinking
  • cultural awareness
  • sustainable development
  • return on investment (ROI)
  • global competitiveness
  • job market
  • equitable education
  • funding allocation
  • curriculum balance
  • civic responsibilities
  • interdisciplinary approach
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