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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

As the world has become technological advance, computer are replacing more and more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at least one problem that may result.

#world #advance #computer #jobs
Nowadays,
information
technology
 development becoming more sophisticated and
play
Correct subject-verb agreement
plays
show examples
 an important role in our lives, especially in
business
activities
while
 certain roles have more dependencies on
technology
.
Then
,
this
 condition could bring problems for humans since there are several job roles that could be replaced by
technology
. In my opinion,
information
technology
 could offer several advantages to make
business
activities
 more effective and efficient. First of all, advanced
technology
 could operate continuously. Unlike humans who need to take some rest, machines and devices could operate 24 hours to run the
business
activities
.
This
 advantage could have a vital role, especially for companies that produce goods to keep their production process running well over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time.
Then
, the utilization of advanced
technology
 could minimize errors to the lowest level
while
 human has potential errors
while
 doing their work.
This
 aspect plays an important role since it could save the company budget for any mistakes that
occurs
Change the verb form
occur
show examples
,
such
 as an error in the production process could minimise scrap or miscalculation of projections could have an impact on
business
 decisions.
To conclude
,
information
technology
 development offers several competitive advantages to assist
business
activities
.
On the other hand
, it could be a threat to labour
due to
 the machines and devices that provide better endurance and consistency.
Information
technology
 development could be avoided and there will be eliminated jobs in the future.
However
, humans will adapt to any changes and there will be new jobs in the future as well.
Submitted by cracko.eko on

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task achievement
Ensure to expand on the potential problems more specifically. For example, you could mention the impact on employment rates, socioeconomic divides, or mental health concerns due to job insecurity.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is quite coherent, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use transitional words or phrases to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both clearly presented and effectively set the scene and wrap up the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your points are logically structured, and your paragraphs follow a clear sequence.
task achievement
You've successfully identified specific advantages of information technology, such as its continuous operation and the reduction of potential errors.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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