IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries, the number of animals and is decreasing. Why do you think this is happening? How this issue can be solved?

#countries #animals
The biodiversity of many nations' ecosystems around the world
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 faced alarming damages as the number of animals and plants has experienced rapid reductions. In
this
 essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 evaluate some of the potential causes that lead to the manifestation of
this
problem
 before proposing some measures that could effectively reduce its severity. There are some major reasons that lead to the
problem
 of having the number of animals and plants reduced. To clarify, in the past, humanity and the ecosystems could live harmoniously together as their demand for food was limited
due to
 the small size of the population.
However
, as the population expands rapidly, the demand for food becomes excessively high, leading to the alteration of
natural
Add an article
the natural
show examples
 environment in order to make agriculture possible.
Thus
, the diminution of many plants and species is inevitable, causing multiple issues for the sustainable development of our planet. Despite the severity of
this
 environmental catastrophe, there are some applicable solutions that can be employed to address it effectively. It is self-evident that the culprit of
this
problem
 is
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the uncontrollable expansion of agricultural activities.
In other words
, each citizen must be aware of the reduction in the number of flora and fauna to cut down on their unnecessary consumption of refreshments.
Moreover
, the government has to take
such
 issues
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 deforestation and illegal hunting seriously.
As a result
, the ecosystems will
renovate
Wrong verb form
be renovated
show examples
 to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 original appearance when all these measures can be incorporated simultaneously. In conclusion, the
problem
 of losing biodiversity has been haunting many nations around the world.
This
 has
caused
Add a missing verb
been caused
show examples
 by humans' agricultural activities
due to
 increased population sizes,
hence
, an effective measure should start at the transformation of these activities, making them more sustainable and less pervasive to the environment.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task and identifies the main causes and potential solutions for the decline in animal and plant numbers. However, the response could benefit from more specific examples to better illustrate the points made.
task achievement
The ideas are generally clear and comprehensive, but some sentences are awkwardly phrased and could be expressed more clearly. For instance, "Thus, the diminution of many plants and species is inevitable" could be stated more simply and clearly.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure and flows reasonably well, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, using transition words such as 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' etc., can help connect paragraphs more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear focus, which helps in maintaining coherence. However, the essay could further benefit from better linkage between the body paragraphs. Moving from discussing causes to solutions can be done more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for the essay. However, the introduction could be slightly more engaging, and the conclusion could briefly summarize the key points made in the essay.
task achievement
The main points are generally supported, but more specific examples or statistical data would enhance the argument. For instance, mentioning specific cases of deforestation or successful examples of governmental intervention would be beneficial.
task achievement
The response addresses the task effectively by identifying causes and proposing solutions, thus demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and well-aligned, framing the essay adequately and providing closure.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear focus within each paragraph, aiding in coherence and allowing the reader to follow the writer's line of thought.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: