IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, the number of animals and is decreasing. Why do you think this is happening? How this issue can be solved?

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The biodiversity of many nations' ecosystems around the world
have
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has
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 faced alarming damages as the number of animals and plants has experienced rapid reductions. In
this
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 essay, I
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 evaluate some of the potential causes that lead to the manifestation of
this
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problem
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 before proposing some measures that could effectively reduce its severity. There are some major reasons that lead to the
problem
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 of having the number of animals and plants reduced. To clarify, in the past, humanity and the ecosystems could live harmoniously together as their demand for food was limited
due to
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 the small size of the population.
However
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, as the population expands rapidly, the demand for food becomes excessively high, leading to the alteration of
natural
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the natural
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 environment in order to make agriculture possible.
Thus
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, the diminution of many plants and species is inevitable, causing multiple issues for the sustainable development of our planet. Despite the severity of
this
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 environmental catastrophe, there are some applicable solutions that can be employed to address it effectively. It is self-evident that the culprit of
this
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problem
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 is
from
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apply
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the uncontrollable expansion of agricultural activities.
In other words
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, each citizen must be aware of the reduction in the number of flora and fauna to cut down on their unnecessary consumption of refreshments.
Moreover
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, the government has to take
such
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 issues
like
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as
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 deforestation and illegal hunting seriously.
As a result
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, the ecosystems will
renovate
Wrong verb form
be renovated
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 to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 original appearance when all these measures can be incorporated simultaneously. In conclusion, the
problem
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 of losing biodiversity has been haunting many nations around the world.
This
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 has
caused
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been caused
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 by humans' agricultural activities
due to
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 increased population sizes,
hence
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, an effective measure should start at the transformation of these activities, making them more sustainable and less pervasive to the environment.

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task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task and identifies the main causes and potential solutions for the decline in animal and plant numbers. However, the response could benefit from more specific examples to better illustrate the points made.
task achievement
The ideas are generally clear and comprehensive, but some sentences are awkwardly phrased and could be expressed more clearly. For instance, "Thus, the diminution of many plants and species is inevitable" could be stated more simply and clearly.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a logical structure and flows reasonably well, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, using transition words such as 'Furthermore,' 'Additionally,' etc., can help connect paragraphs more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear focus, which helps in maintaining coherence. However, the essay could further benefit from better linkage between the body paragraphs. Moving from discussing causes to solutions can be done more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for the essay. However, the introduction could be slightly more engaging, and the conclusion could briefly summarize the key points made in the essay.
task achievement
The main points are generally supported, but more specific examples or statistical data would enhance the argument. For instance, mentioning specific cases of deforestation or successful examples of governmental intervention would be beneficial.
task achievement
The response addresses the task effectively by identifying causes and proposing solutions, thus demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and well-aligned, framing the essay adequately and providing closure.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear focus within each paragraph, aiding in coherence and allowing the reader to follow the writer's line of thought.
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