IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

differences between countries are becoming less evident. Nowadays, people are watching the same film, fashion and tv channels. To what extend do the disadvantages of this outweigh the advantages?

#differences #countries #people #film #fashion #tv #channels #outweigh
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The difference in
culture
 is becoming harder to distinguish nowadays as
people
 are watching the same movies and following fashion trends.
This
 writer believes that the disadvantages of diminishing cultural variety and consumption outweigh the advantages of getting on with new cultures. One thing that needs to be considered is advertising in only one brand can lead to cultural erosion. When a product is widely used and popularized,
people
 will be less likely to buy local products.
This
 will lead to the decline of traditional crafts.
As a result
, there are not many young
people
 who contribute to local products as nobody values them anymore.
For instance
, pottery in Bat Trang village is well-known for its beauty and history.
However
,
this
 tradition is being reduced as more customers prefer foreign pottery.
As a result
, craftsmen have to change their career path because they do not have money to cover their expenses. Another thing to notice is the increase in consumerism as
people
 are urged to buy products so that they are not falling behind the trends. They need to buy the latest phones fashionable clothes and trendy just to match their peers.
For example
, the rollout of the iPhone 15 has driven
people
 to buy smartphones even though they do not need them. Some
people
 argue that the advantages of
people
 can exchange other countries’ cultures. By watching films and movies about countries,
people
 gain insight about their history,
culture
 and language.
However
,
people
 will forget about their country’s
culture
.
For instance
, anime is a famous Japanese animation. It is so well-known that
people
 from different countries know it and they will forget about their own country’s cartoon. In conclusion, the disadvantages of cultural deterioration and consumerism outweigh the benefits of learning a new
culture
.
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introduction
Consider revising the introduction for clarity. The phrase "diminishing cultural variety and consumption" could be more precise. Clarify what you mean by "consumption" in this context.
conclusion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key points more distinctly. This will provide a stronger sense of closure.
supporting examples
Develop the body paragraphs further by incorporating more specific examples and elaborating on how they support your arguments. This will make your points more persuasive.
general
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and provides reasons to support your opinion.
logical structure
The structure of your essay is logical, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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