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Band 6.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In contemporary education, designing educational curricula has become a heated topic among
children
Use synonyms
 and parents. Some people believe that schools should focus on academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 as a primary priority and withdraw non-academic syllabuses.
Conversely
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, Others argue that non-academic
subjects
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,
such
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 as sports, protect
children
Use synonyms
 from obesity and mental health problems. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both perspectives and provide my opinion on
this
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 topic. Studying non-academic modules
such
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 as physical education offers various benefits, including improving
children
Use synonyms
’s physical and mental health.
For example
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, sitting for a long time to study and revise their lessons can lead to obesity and focusing solely on academic
subjects
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,
such
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 as math and science, might cause stress and burnout syndrome.
Therefore
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, It is essential for
children
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 to have leisure time during school to relax and burn some calories.
Furthermore
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, I firmly agree with
this
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 statement that schools should encourage
children
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 to explore their talents and interests by providing sports courses or other non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
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 as dancing, music and drawing because some individuals might prefer to be an artist or athlete rather than a scientist or engineer.
On the other hand
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, some people might argue that it is unnecessary to allocate a student's precious time to non-academic
subjects
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. Students should emphasize their primary
subjects
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 and polish practical skills to prepare for university entrance and pursue their future careers.
For example
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,
children
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 who want to be computer engineers do not need to learn to play music or sports but should focus on relevant
subjects
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such
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 as computer programming, robotics, or data analysis.
This
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 is because these kinds of syllabi might help
children
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 improve their computer skills and enhance their employability. In conclusion, educational institutions play crucial roles in offering suitable curriculums for each student that fit their passions and interests.
Additionally
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, schools should design educational programs that balance non-academic and academic modules to ensure the
overall
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 development of students.

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task achievement
While the essay effectively addresses both perspectives and offers a clear opinion, providing more specific examples can enhance the argument. For instance, mentioning specific studies or statistics regarding the benefits of physical education could strengthen your case.
coherence cohesion
Improving the transitions and connections between ideas can enhance the flow of the essay. Consider using cohesive devices more effectively to link sentences and paragraphs seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay. You have clearly stated the issue and your position on it, making it easy for the reader to follow.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both perspectives, which is essential for a high-quality response. You have presented a comprehensive view, considering the benefits of non-academic subjects and the counterarguments.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with reasoning, highlighting the importance of non-academic subjects for physical and mental health, as well as the need for focus on academic subjects for future careers.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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