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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.

The chart and graph below give information about three categories of workers in australia and the unemployment levels within those groups.
#information #three #categories #workers #australia #unemployment #levels #groups
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
pie chart illustrates
three
Use synonyms
 categories of employees in
Australia
Use synonyms
 by place of birth in 2003.
While
Linking Words
 the line graph
shown
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 the levels of unemployment within
three
Use synonyms
 groups throughout ten
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 from 1993 to 2003. The data reveals that the amount of workforce
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 born in
Australia
Use synonyms
. It can
also
Linking Words
 be noted that the unemployment rate of all
three
Use synonyms
 groups slumped over the decade. Beginning with the percentages of employees born in English-speaking countries (ESC) were close to
non English
Add a hyphen
non-English
show examples
 speaking countries (NESC). These two
groups
Add a verb
groups are
groups were
show examples
 different
than
Change preposition
from
show examples
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
just
Change preposition
by just
show examples
 4%. Whilst, the workers who
were take
Change the verb form
took
show examples
 birth in
Australia
Use synonyms
 account for over
Use synonyms
three quarters
Add a hyphen
three-quarters
show examples
 of the pie chart. Turning into the remaining detail it is obvious that the NES was
regard
Change the form of the verb
regarded
show examples
 with the highest rate of
umemployment
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
 throughout the period,
while
Linking Words
 the ESC just
see
Wrong verb form
saw
show examples
 a small percentage
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 unemployment. The NESC started with the highest percentage in 1993 and declined steeply
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 5%.
Then
Linking Words
, the NESC was a small fluctuation and
go
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 down to the end of the timeframe. The middle line was
Australia
Use synonyms
 from the
begin
Replace the word
beginning
show examples
 to 1995 it was a plateau
then
Linking Words
soar
Wrong verb form
soared
show examples
 with
small
Add an article
a small
show examples
 percentage and
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 slightly to the end in 2003. The ESC
was reach
Change the verb form
was reached
was reaching
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a plateau
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 1995, in 1999 was a fluctuation and
plumment
Correct your spelling
plummet
 quickly to the
lastest
Correct your spelling
latest
show examples
 year in the given chart.
Three
Use synonyms
 lines in the end stay respectively in
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 position same as the beginning.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words three, australia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "plateau" was used 2 times.
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