IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

When asked to choose between a life without work and working most of the time,people would always choose not to work. do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#life #work #time #people
In our modern world, people
being
Add a missing verb
are being
show examples
 asked to opt
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a
life
 without
work
 or working most of their entire
life
, most of their decisions are a
life
 without working.
While the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 writer contends that a
life
 without working should not be popularized over different generations
due to
 its effects on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth and how healthy humans
are
Wrong verb form
will be
show examples
 in the future. It should be acknowledged that working is
one
 of the most pivotal things which humans are unable to separate from.
In other words
, society
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to
work
 to afford
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their cost of living and contribute their physical abilities and wisdom to the development.
Besides
, many individuals want to be successful and obtain
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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certainly
Change the word
certain
show examples
 academic achievements,
therefore
, they opt to
work
 most of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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instead
 of living a normal and dull
life
.
Subsequently
, there will be less financial burdens on those who
work
 and the national budget.
This
 is true in Japan, where the residents are working tirelessly to implement the things that they dream of, not considering
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the young age group.
Hence
, it is untrue that
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 choose to live without working as their demand and the recognition of how important
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work
in
Add a missing verb
is in
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 their
life
. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is
also
one
 of the most considerable reasons why people opt to
work
 most of the time. What the author means is that keeping a
life
 which is sedentary and waiting for other financial assistance is not acceptable to some individuals.
As they
Correct word choice
They
show examples
 believe that there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
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difficulty in sitting at
one
 place
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age and creating
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
embarrassing feelings
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them.
Subsequently
, the mental and physical health of the following generation could be alleviated by affecting the passive lifestyle of the previous
one
. America is a prime example
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
,
Correct word choice
and which
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can be observed that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
American
Fix the agreement mistake
Americans
show examples
 choose to
work
due to
 their health and their descendants’ future.
Thus
, working is an
unseparated
Correct word choice
inseparable
show examples
 part of human
life
. Taking all points into account, not all of
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
 being asked to choose will always opt
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not to
work
 as
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
on maintaining health and achieving their goals.
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task achievement
For a higher score in task achievement, make sure all your points are thoroughly developed. Some of the arguments in the essay need further elaboration to provide a comprehensive view.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Some sections of the essay feel choppy and could benefit from better connecting words or phrases.
coherence cohesion
It is important to be precise with your language to improve the clarity of your ideas. This will also help in making your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which establishes a logical structure for your arguments.
task achievement
You have provided relevant specific examples like referencing Japan and America, which strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Your main points are supported and ideas are clear, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • personal interests
  • social isolation
  • structured daily routine
  • sense of purpose
  • achievement
  • boredom
  • overworking
  • burnout
  • hobbies
  • family time
  • work pressures
  • stress
  • health issues
  • social interactions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: