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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some conutries, a high proportion of criminal acts are committed by teenagers. Cause and solution

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In
this
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 modern era, youngsters have a tendency to commit crimes in some nations. The writer of
this
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 essay believes that
this
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 trend stems from the deficiency of
parents
Use synonyms
' moral education,
however
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, spending more time interacting with offspring is considered the best solution. It is no doubt that young's illegal behaviours are
due to
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 the
Use synonyms
parents'
Correct your spelling
parent's
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 lack of education in terms of morality. To be specific, these individuals are obsessive about work obligations helping them bring home the bacons, leading to neglecting the parental responsibility towards their kids. From
then
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, the children not only be influenced by social evils but
also
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 assume more anti-social activities.
As a consequence
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, the more the
parents
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 focus on working rather than imparting essential lessons to the young, the more those teenagers break the law.
Conversely
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, to alleviate
this
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 concerning issue,
parents
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' timing optimization for children is the most useful approach.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that the adults spend time confiding in their kids resulting in preventing them from behaving illegally.
Hence
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, the quality
as well as
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 the frequency of emotional support from
parents
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 to their offspring is enhanced effectively. Take London as a prime example, where
the
Correct article usage
an
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 abundance of parental programmes is being produced to foster
parents
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 to highly take care of the young's mentality. In conclusion, there is a proliferation of youngsters being criminals.
Thus
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, should
parents
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 strike a balance between work and imparting moral education,
this
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 phenomenon would be addressed by spending more time on their kids.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence of your essay, ensure that each idea flows logically into the next. Consider using more transition words and phrases to link your paragraphs and ideas effectively.
task achievement
For a higher task achievement score, delve deeper into explaining the causes and solutions, and ensure you address all aspects of the question comprehensively. Adding more specific examples can also help illustrate your points better.
task achievement
To improve the clarity of your ideas, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and try to avoid using overly complex sentences that might confuse the reader.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and your position, which is a strong aspect of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
In your conclusion, you effectively summarize the key points and restate the thesis, which helps provide a solid closure to your essay.
supported main points
The example of London is relevant and helps to support your argument about solutions to the problem.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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