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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Sience and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Schools which follow
the
Correct article usage
apply
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traditional education
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 taught the same topics since ancient times.
Therefore
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, many people argue that '
History
Use synonyms
' should be widely learnt, considering it one of the vital subjects.
Nevertheless
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, there are many other topics to be taught in order to acquire integral knowledge. I consider
that
Correct word choice
apply
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all subjects
are
Wrong verb form
to be
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 crucial not only
at
Change preposition
in
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 high school but
also
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at
Change preposition
in
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 middle school. In
this
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 essay, I will explain my reasons in detail.
To begin
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 with, all
students
Use synonyms
 should learn about the
history
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 of their countries
as well as
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 the most preponderant worldwide historical events because it leads to a sense of belonging.
Besides
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, it is well known that those who have no knowledge about their own
history
Use synonyms
 will have the same defeats.
Additionally
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, since most countries in the world follow
the
Correct article usage
apply
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democracy and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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suffrage as representations of their population, everyone must know how to vote conscientiously by learning their entire
history
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.
For example
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, in Colombia,
there
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 was proved that most people do not know about their most crucial events in the past,
thus
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 they avoid voting because there are no forms to justify their elections.
On the other hand
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, humankind should learn about more skills, mainly those that are considered cutting-edge tools.
This
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 is exemplified by 'Technology' and 'Science' which are crucial topics that should be known by humanity.
As a consequence
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 of
this
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, nowadays, learning about programming code, machine learning, and artificial intelligence is mandatory in almost all schools.
For instance
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, in 2020, there was
a
Remove the article
apply
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research performed in the United States which
shown
Wrong verb form
showed
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 that most people who graduated from any
undergraduated
Correct your spelling
undergraduate
 program should acquire those techniques in order to have
more rate
Replace the word
a higher
show examples
 rate of employability.
To sum up
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, all subjects are crucial to be taught by
students
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 either during high school or
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
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 in order to raise integral
students
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.
Nevertheless
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, most
students
Use synonyms
 should focus on their own skills.

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task achievement
You can improve Task Response by providing a more balanced discussion. Give equal attention to both views in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure you clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion to make your stance unmistakable.
coherence cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly between sentences and paragraphs. This will make your essay easier to read and follow.
coherence cohesion
Review the use of complex sentences to improve clarity and ensure grammatical accuracy.
task achievement
The essay provides a thorough discussion of both viewpoints, covering the importance of history as well as science and technology.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples are used effectively to support the main points, such as the example of Colombia and the US research.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay.
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