IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#phone #places
While
 it is widely claimed that the use of electronic devices like smartphones is considered as antisocial as smoking, others argue that
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
 prohibition policy of smoking in certain
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 should be applied to mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 in
similar
Change the article
a similar
show examples
 way. The reasons why I believe mobile
usages
Fix the agreement mistake
usage
show examples
 is
antisocial
Correct article usage
an antisocial
show examples
acts
Fix the agreement mistake
act
show examples
 and agree with
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
banning it like the aforementioned statement will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it may
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 sensible for some to believe that an antisocial vibe projected from those who
using
Change the form of the verb
use
show examples
 mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 is
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 indifferent
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 smoking.
This
 is possibly because they created the same activity of being isolated from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. To simply explain, when smoking
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 often isolate themselves in a private
area
,
similar
Correct word choice
and similar
show examples
approach
Fix the agreement mistake
approaches
show examples
 were
adapted
Correct your spelling
adopted
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same manner
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 mobile
phone
 users nowadays. In
this
 respect, it is noticeable that nowadays people often use mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 whenever they have a chance
due to
 numerous aspects whether to kill time or to avoid awkwardness.
For example
, it is often seen that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 when groups of friends meet up in
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
 were scrolling and looking at
small
Add an article
the small
a small
show examples
 screen the whole time and rarely speak with each other.
This
 is why people agree that
this
 can be a sign of antisocial activity that we unwittingly
realized
Wrong verb form
realise
show examples
.
However
, I personally argue in favour of banning mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 in some
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 seeing that it could promote beneficial effects
such
 as proper Face to Face communication.
Besides
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
general events and places where mobile phones are known to be restricted like in the theatre and meeting room, the prohibition of
this
 device should apply in other
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
such
 as restaurants where its aim is to eat, drink, and talk rather than just look down on the screen without talking with each other. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 could be an act of antisocial as several people claimed, I am of the opinion that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
banning
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 in some
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 in order to create a better relationship among the
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity and precision in expressing your arguments. For example, rephrase the opening sentence for better clarity: 'While some people consider the use of smartphones to be as antisocial as smoking, others argue that similar restrictions should apply to mobile phones.'
task achievement
Develop your supporting points with more detailed examples and evidence. This would strengthen your argument and improve task achievement. For instance, provide specific studies or statistics that illustrate how mobile phone usage impacts social interactions.
lexical resource
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and vocabulary usage to convey sophistication and clarity in your writing. For example, instead of 'it may seems sensible,' write 'it may seem sensible'.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in providing structure to your arguments.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the task and offer a critical perspective on the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • antisocial
  • social interactions
  • negative impacts
  • banning
  • regulated
  • completely banned
  • education
  • awareness campaigns
  • responsible
  • mobile phone use
What to do next:
Look at other essays: