IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative asrts such as painters and musicians.Others believe that creative artists should be funded alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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One part of the society thinks that artists, painters and other
people
Use synonyms
 who are related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 art must be supported by the
government
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,
while
Linking Words
 other
people
Use synonyms
 decided that they should find another alternative option. One of the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
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 the first part of
people
Use synonyms
's opinion is great in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 run,
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however
Add the comma(s)
however,
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 private funding can be more unstable. On one hand,being funded by
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 can give them
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
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opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
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 in
long
Correct article usage
a long
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 perspective.
To begin
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 with,the support from
state
Correct article usage
the state
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 council can equip them with
necessary
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the necessary
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 equipment.
For example
Linking Words
,most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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artists do not discover their talent because of financial problems and
consequently
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,
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government
Add an article
the government
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 can solve
this
Linking Words
 huge disadvantage.
In addition
Linking Words
,founding by state governments is always stable compared to other
organizations
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.
For example
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, every year the
government
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 gives grants to talented musicians and
this
Linking Words
 is the best option for non-risky
people
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.
On the other hand
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, the two main advantages of funding by private
organizations
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 are flexible schedules and freedom of choice.
For example
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,
government
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organizations
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 are too bureaucratic,
while
Linking Words
 other companies only require results and they do not care about
artist's
Correct article usage
the artist's
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 work plan.
Moreover
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,
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
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 can make independent
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 about the direction of art.
In particular
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, musicians who work for the
government
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 are very often afraid to make creative decisions because of strict rules and requirements,
whereas
Linking Words
 these factors are eliminated in private
organizations
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. In my opinion, the second type of position is more logical and reproductive for artists and musicians. In conclusion, I can understand the reason why individuals tilt the balance in favor of getting support from various sources and I am absolutely sure that they could benefit more from being established by private
organizations
Use synonyms
 compared to state governments.

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Task Achievement
Your essay addresses both views on the topic and presents your opinion, but there's room for improvement in clarity and coherence. You should aim to better organize your ideas and ensure each paragraph clearly focuses on a single idea, supported with relevant examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smoother. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument and maintain a consistent logical flow.
Task Achievement
You should develop your ideas further and provide more in-depth examples and explanations. Some of your points are somewhat generalized and could benefit from being more specific and detailed.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have successfully included an introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay and present your opinion on the topic.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the question and provides a balanced discussion of both views, which shows a thorough engagement with the task.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial support
  • creative arts
  • painters
  • musicians
  • commercially viable
  • cultural heritage
  • national pride
  • artistic integrity
  • private patrons
  • crowdfunding
  • innovation
  • diverse range
  • bureaucracy
  • political influence
  • creative expression
  • stifling creativity
  • stability
  • creative freedom
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