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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
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In
this
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 day and age, it is often said that
people
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 rely more on each other.
However
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, others think they do not.
This
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 writer will discuss both
view points
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viewpoints
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 and give
opinion
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an opinion
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. It must be understood that individuals become more dependent
due to
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 the development of devices and technology.
In other words
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, these things are too developed and convenient, so
people
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 can use them to do every
work
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.
As a result
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, they will utilize technology in everything they do and become more dependent on them. Taking study as an example, most
of
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apply
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people
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 do not do their exercises or homework by themselves and they ask the Internet for
a
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apply
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help.
However
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, another point to consider is that individuals will “go farther and faster” if they
work
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 independently. To be more specific, it requires a lot of determination and
efforts
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effort
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of
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from
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 the learners or workers. They need to find out or research the information by themselves.
Consequently
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, they can
work
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 effectively
by
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with
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 independence.
For instance
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, Uncle Ho found
the
Correct article usage
a
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 way to save
country
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the country
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 by himself and he was successful in saving
country
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the country
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.
Therefore
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,
that is
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 the reason why some
people
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 want to
work
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 or study independently. In my opinion, working independently
also
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 helps us to gain the knowledge to ourselves and
this
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 may be a strength in some situations.
Thus
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, working independently plays an important role in
success
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the success
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 of humans. In conclusion,
this
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 writer has pointed out all
view points
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viewpoints
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 and
encourage
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encouraged
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people
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 to
work
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 alone.
However
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, we
also
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 need to
work
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 in a team if it is necessary.
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task achievement
In the introduction, clearly state both viewpoints and briefly mention your own opinion to set the stage for the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the main points with more specific examples and details. The example of asking the internet for homework help is too general.
coherence cohesion
Proofread to improve language accuracy, such as correcting phrases like 'by independence' to 'because of their independence' and 'find the way to save country' to 'find a way to save his country.'
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy; for example, instead of saying 'devices and technology,' choose one term.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps in organizing ideas.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as Uncle Ho, adds authenticity to the points being made.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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