IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
In
this
 day and age, it is often said that
people
 rely more on each other.
However
, others think they do not.
This
 writer will discuss both
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
 and give
opinion
Add an article
an opinion
show examples
. It must be understood that individuals become more dependent
due to
 the development of devices and technology.
In other words
, these things are too developed and convenient, so
people
 can use them to do every
work
.
As a result
, they will utilize technology in everything they do and become more dependent on them. Taking study as an example, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 do not do their exercises or homework by themselves and they ask the Internet for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
help.
However
, another point to consider is that individuals will “go farther and faster” if they
work
 independently. To be more specific, it requires a lot of determination and
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the learners or workers. They need to find out or research the information by themselves.
Consequently
, they can
work
 effectively
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 independence.
For instance
, Uncle Ho found
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 way to save
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 by himself and he was successful in saving
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
.
Therefore
,
that is
 the reason why some
people
 want to
work
 or study independently. In my opinion, working independently
also
 helps us to gain the knowledge to ourselves and
this
 may be a strength in some situations.
Thus
, working independently plays an important role in
success
Add an article
the success
show examples
 of humans. In conclusion,
this
 writer has pointed out all
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
 and
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraged
show examples
people
 to
work
 alone.
However
, we
also
 need to
work
 in a team if it is necessary.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In the introduction, clearly state both viewpoints and briefly mention your own opinion to set the stage for the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the main points with more specific examples and details. The example of asking the internet for homework help is too general.
coherence cohesion
Proofread to improve language accuracy, such as correcting phrases like 'by independence' to 'because of their independence' and 'find the way to save country' to 'find a way to save his country.'
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy; for example, instead of saying 'devices and technology,' choose one term.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps in organizing ideas.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as Uncle Ho, adds authenticity to the points being made.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
What to do next:
Look at other essays: