Some people think that Olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympic is a waste of money and the money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In an ever-progressive society, the benefits and drawbacks of the Olympic games are controversial discussion points.
While
some people believe it requires a
lot
of revenue,
this
writer contends that it brings
countries
closer and
also
takes the opportunity to boost
tourism
. Central to
this
situation is the point that the Olympic games can make the international relations between
countries
become closer.
In other words
, the event will create a
lot
of play courts that impress many states around the world, which is a hopeful time to increase solidarity and contribute to
improve better
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
relations.
For example
, the Olympics which was held in Japan
last
year helped Asian
countries
gain support forces from European
countries
after the
events
.
As a consequence
, all nations can connect with others and unite into a supportive group.
However
, there is another perspective that organised sports
events
need to use a
lot
of money which can be used for other meaningful purposes. They argue that it does not add any value but rather places financial pressure on the host that they need to prompt the fortune and select carefully before a year, requiring a
lot
in labour and decoration.
This
is credible, but to solve
this
issue, the organizing committees change many locations and find many sources of investment from
countries
where the event is held.
While
personal freedoms are an important consideration, the evidence regarding sports
events
creates more opportunities to improve
tourism
. To clarify
this
point, think about the famous rate a country obtained after the event occurs,
this
helps people know more nations that the main reason makes
tourism
developing.
For instance
, after the World Cup 2018 happened, Argentina and other
countries
took part in earned a large amount of profit from
tourism
and
also
other service industries.
Hence
, the income that can
gain
Wrong verb form
be gained
show examples
from sports
events
is the primary point advance of
tourism
. In conclusion, despite many opinions that the Olympic games are a waste of money,
this
writer believes they bring a
lot
of benefits for
countries
to join in.
Therefore
, making states' connections harder and contributing to enhancing
tourism
is one of the main blessings.

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task achievement
Your essay has a good introduction and conclusion that rounds off your points well. However, the points about personal freedom in your third paragraph are somewhat irrelevant to the topic and weaken your response.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow within and between paragraphs. Try to link each paragraph more clearly to ensure a smoother transition between ideas.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which bookend the discussion effectively.
relevant specific examples
You provided relevant specific examples such as the Japan Olympics and the World Cup 2018 to support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster global unity
  • international camaraderie
  • cultural exchange
  • mutual understanding
  • platform for showcasing
  • national pride
  • human achievement
  • economic benefits
  • influx of tourism
  • boost local economies
  • infrastructure investments
  • long-term benefits
  • enormous costs
  • pressing social issues
  • white elephants
  • poor return on investment
  • environmental impact
  • short-lived event
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