IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some children spent hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, the extensive
usage
Use synonyms
 of mobiles
Correct your spelling
among
amongs
Correct your spelling
among
 young generations is inevitably widespread.
Due to
Linking Words
 easing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human lives and providing
engegement
Correct your spelling
engagement
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
, more and more
children
Use synonyms
are tend
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 hours on their
cellphones
Use synonyms
. Despite, its helpful
usage
Use synonyms
, it might cause massive health risks and disrupt
children
Use synonyms
’s
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. In my opinion, it is generally a negative development which is elaborated more in
this
Linking Words
 essay. First and foremost,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon arises because of
Correct article usage
the convinency
show examples
convinency
Correct your spelling
convenience
 of using smartphones in different aspects of
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
. To
examplify
Correct your spelling
exemplify
, recently,
children
Use synonyms
 have been easily communicating with their friends around the globe just by
taping
Correct your spelling
tapping
show examples
 the call button on their
cellphones
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
few
Change the article
a few
show examples
 decades ago it was not possible.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the variety of topics, which are asked by students are responded
in
Change preposition
to in
show examples
 just a minute by websites
such
Linking Words
 as Google.
In addition
Linking Words
, the teenagers’ curious inclination might be satisfied by full of data, which are searched by them
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the websites. Despite, the advantages of
smartphones
Change the noun form
smartphone
show examples
usage
Use synonyms
, they might cause massive health issues
such
Linking Words
 as eye problems. The high screen time is responsible for
this
Linking Words
 kind of concern, which will
emerged
Change the verb form
emerge
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
their
Change the pronoun
the
show examples
 next decades of their ages.
In addition
Linking Words
, other diseases
such
Linking Words
 as
diabete
Correct your spelling
diabetes
 and obesity, which are completely
depend
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on activity time come up with
Correct article usage
the addiction
show examples
addiction
Replace the word
addictive
show examples
 behaviour of
children
Use synonyms
 to
Use synonyms
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these
children
Use synonyms
 mostly communicate online or
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
cellphones
Use synonyms
, which leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of conversation skills in
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
 situations.
Also
Linking Words
, in some
cases
Add a comma
cases,
show examples
 it might be responsible for mental issues
such
Linking Words
 as
depressions
Fix the agreement mistake
depression
show examples
 and
anxieties
Fix the agreement mistake
anxiety
show examples
. That means, the absence of connection skills has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 them to loneliness, which is the cause of two mental
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
 that are mentioned.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the
cellphones
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 among
children
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
has
show examples
 rapidly increased in recent years.
This
Linking Words
 rapid trend
followed
Add a missing verb
is followed
show examples
 by health concerns
amongs
Correct your spelling
amongst
among
 these
children
Use synonyms
 hand-in-hand
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 mental challenges and is a negative development.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 smartphones come up with various benefits, a monitoring approach to check
children
Use synonyms
 spending hours on
Use synonyms
cellphones
Correct your spelling
cell phones
show examples
 is vitally important.
Submitted by aradzandieh.dvm on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

specific examples advice
The essay could benefit from more specific examples to illustrate points more clearly. For instance, mention specific studies or statistical data regarding the impact of smartphone usage on children’s health.
grammatical mistakes advice
Some minor grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasings should be corrected for clarity. For instance, replace 'are tend to spent' with 'tend to spend' and 'conveniency' with 'convenience'.
task response highlight
The essay addresses all parts of the question adequately, discussing both why children spend so much time on their smartphones and the potential negative impacts.
coherence and cohesion highlight
The writer provides a clear introduction and conclusion, making the essay easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: