IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Being a celebrity- such as a famous film star or sports personality- brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

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Nowadays, being a celebrity
such
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 as an artist or sports
person
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 is the most ambitious of everyone especially Gen Zee, because
this
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 is the easiest way to gain income on a high scale.
However
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, there are more
problems
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 to be faced when someone chooses to be a famous customer in their life. I will discuss a couple of cases above
according to
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 my opinion and another
person
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's. It is a general secret that famous
person
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 brings benefits
as well as
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problems
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 to their lives because they live on monitoring everyone.
For instance
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, film stars have a job to entertain and all of us are able to see their performance on TV, and
this
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 occupation has a big income for them. They can gain a billion money for one film project,
therefore
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 making them rich body on the term time.
Besides
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, a sports personality has a good skill in some exercises
such
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 as football, riding, badminton, and anything else. They can gain more money from their performance on the field or trajectory.
In addition
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, they can get a lot of money from endorsements because of their fame.
On the other hand
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, being a famous
person
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 can lead them to more
problems
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 in their lives because of lack of privacy.
For instance
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, when a famous
person
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 goes anywhere for a holiday. they are unable to avoid the media or people who want to take pictures with them.
This
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 case can lead them to an inconvenient life because of
loss
Correct article usage
the loss
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 of their freedom.
In addition
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, when a famous
person
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 has a household problem, they will be hunted by the media or those who want to know about their problem,
therefore
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 they can't hide the
problems
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 from others and will be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
general
Change the word
generally
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 discussed. In conclusion, being a famous
person
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 will bring more benefits for them and easier to be a rich
person
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,
besides
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, have many drawbacks for them because they are unable to hide their lives from other people.

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task achievement
Consider refining the introduction to state a clear thesis, outlining whether you believe being a celebrity brings more problems or benefits, and briefly mention the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
In addition to stating your own opinion, integrating quotes or referenced studies can make the essay more robust and convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow; currently, some parts feel somewhat fragmented.
coherence cohesion
Make sure you are consistently using the same tense, and refine sentences to eliminate errors in grammar and phrasing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, which helps guide the reader through your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have divided your essay into distinct paragraphs that each address different points related to the topic.
task achievement
You have identified both benefits and drawbacks associated with being a celebrity and have provided explanations and examples.
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