Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals argue that in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
modern life, education is very important for the young generation.
Therefore
, some people think that the
government
should spend more money on creating some free
time
activities
. In my opinion, I totally agree with
this
opinion because the
children
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
need to be entertained with some experience
activities
outside the
study
time
. First and foremost, some free
time
activities
should take place in order to make some happiness
as well as
study
some soft skills for
students
to serve their life.
In other words
, the
government
should open lots of playgrounds or some places to celebrate many skill-based education around the city that can attract
children
to play and experience.
For example
, in Ho Chi Minh City, there is a playground where
children
can try many types of jobs nowadays
such
as police, doctor and baker.
Therefore
,
children
also
identify with lots of careers and learn many general skills in order to take care of themselves.
Moreover
, if
students
only learn about academic subjects in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school, they will meet some problems with their mentality
such
as being tired, bored and stressed. So the
government
need to celebrate some free
time
activities
for
children
so that they can relax after a stressful
time
.
For instance
, most of the
study
time
, the school
also
creates some clubs or reading lessons that can make student relax and broaden their knowledge. In conclusion, some free
time
activities
have many benefits for
students
.
Therefore
, the
government
should find some creative
activities
in the school
as well as
in a sustainable society.
Students
will be good at academic subjects and general life skills if they
study
both.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that each idea is well-developed with supporting details.
coherence
Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs to enhance the essay's flow.
content
To improve task achievement, provide more detailed examples and elaborate further on key points.
content
The essay clearly presents a stance on the topic and supports it with relevant reasons and examples.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, giving a complete sense of the topic being discussed.
support
The writer uses several examples and provides explanations to support their arguments, improving task achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: