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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the chart below shows the percentage of men and women who did various free time activites in England.

the chart below shows the percentage of men and women who did various free time activites in England.
#percentage #men #women #time #activites #england
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
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bar graph provides data for the proportion of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who enjoy numerous activities in their leisure time in England. The numbers were measured in percentage (%).
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be witnessed that the highest figures were attributed to the number of people
prefer
Correct pronoun usage
who prefer
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 watching television
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true for individuals who are big on playing computer games.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the disparity between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 genders was not extremely noticeable, except in the realm of shopping, utilizing the Internet and playing computer games. Looking at the figures in
further
Linking Words
 detail, it can be observed that the majority of British chose to watch TV for relaxation with more than 75% in both genders.
This
Linking Words
 figure in spending time with family members was relatively similar
that
Change preposition
to
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 both men and women
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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roughly
three
Correct determiner usage
a
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 quarter of England residents. The other numbers were
also
Linking Words
 great with more than 70% in both
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 respectively for doing exercise and reading. Turning to the remaining statistics, there were
noticeably
Change the word
noticeable
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 disparities between boys and girls in shopping, using
the
Correct article usage
apply
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online websites and playing games.
While
Linking Words
 the percentage of women
played
Correct pronoun usage
who played
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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 was approximately 10%, there was up to 15% of men
chose
Correct pronoun usage
who chose
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this
Linking Words
 activity to relax. More significantly, in terms of
accessing
Replace the word
access
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 to the Internet, the figure of men was as twice
as
Correct quantifier usage
much as
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 its female counterparts, and the difference was even three times when people went shopping with only 27% male,
whereas
Linking Words
 the percentage of women was nearly 75%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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