IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
Education plays a crucial part
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in
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developing in the country so the government focus on educating pupils.
However
, some individuals think that they should have invested money in the freedom of the youth. The author of
this
 essay agrees that the government need to organize more extracurricular
lessons
 rather than
students
 need to focus on the main
lessons
such
 as math, and biology, … and
lessons
 need to be harder. It is vital to understand that governments need to come up with some ideas on how to make subjects more interesting
such
 as extracurricular
lessons
 that will cause the
students
 to relax after long hours of studying hard. There are many benefits when organising that lesson is about the relationship between friends and teachers more sustainable.
A
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As a
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 result of
that
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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more than 80% of
students
 like that class.
In other words
, it not only helps them to have more free time for relaxation but
also
 after developing their grades in
school
 make higher.
Therefore
, having an extracurricular lesson is necessary and needs to be required in every
school
. Another key component of the case for administrators may be creating carnivals in
school
such
 as music or food. There are many benefits to organising that it is a place for
students
 to demonstrate their skills and try to absorb other skills which they like
also
 bond with their relatives between classmates. An example of
this
 is in Vietnam, there are some festivals
that
is
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are
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 created for
students
 to relax and have fun after
school
. To recapitulate, it could be seen that governments need to balance studying and create more activities for
students
 to relax.
Therefore
, it should have been illustrated that every
school
 need to create more festivals for the
students
.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, the central argument could be presented with more clarity. Try to state your position more explicitly in the introduction and ensure that each body paragraph supports your thesis directly.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical flow by ensuring each idea naturally leads to the next. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Your essay needs more specific examples to support your points. General statements alone are not effective in demonstrating your argument. Try to provide relevant examples or statistical data.
task achievement
Some of your ideas are clear, but others are somewhat vague or underdeveloped. Make sure to elaborate on each point you make to ensure clarity and comprehensiveness.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and provides a position on the topic, which demonstrates engagement with the task.
coherence cohesion
You include an introduction and conclusion, contributing to a coherent structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
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