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Band 3.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
Free time activities after studying at school are becoming all-pervasive in
this
 modern world than ever before.
However
, there remains a certain discrepancy as to whether the total impacts of these forms of animation should be considered by the governing authorities. I will extend my opinion in the following paragraphs. First and foremost, life is full of stress, especially as a student. Our brain cannot focus specific subject for a long age.
In other words
, there should be a balance for both study and spare age. It should be pointed out that, all scholars must not only focus on their educational goals to reach them but
also
 assign times for their recreation date.
Hence
, free-day action has significant benefits on individual growth which cannot be ignored.
Consequently
, appeals for investors
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
in entertainment and other facilities seem to be true. In the present day, some schools and
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
show examples
 allocate money for recreation and leisure time movements
while
 it costs
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
show examples
 range of money to provide
such
 things, the advantages of
this
 are
also
 more.
Therefore
, the results are very satisfying, students can do their homework
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there, spend their
date
Fix the agreement mistake
dates
show examples
peers
Change preposition
with peers
show examples
,
share
Correct word choice
and share
show examples
 their
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
 with friends. So
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, the more one
focus
Correct subject-verb agreement
focuses
show examples
to study
Change preposition
on studying
show examples
, the more fore era should be considered In conclusion, even though it is undeniable progression of form education could lead to a number of negative effects. I strongly believe that
this
free point
Add a hyphen
free-point
show examples
 reaction breakthrough
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 one day be indispensable to the human societies
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coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer and more structured paragraphs with distinct main points in each. This will help in presenting your arguments more logically.
task achievement
Try to use more specific examples to support your points. This will help in elaborating on your ideas more effectively and make your arguments stronger.
task achievement
Work on expressing your ideas more clearly. There are some grammatical inaccuracies and unclear sentences that could be improved for better comprehension.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes the key points discussed in the essay and aligns with the arguments you've presented.
introduction
Your introduction sets up the topic well and indicates the direction of the essay.
task achievement
You have acknowledged both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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