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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagram below show the life cycle of a species of larghe fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram below show the life cycle of a species of larghe fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #life #cycle #species #larghe #fish #salmon #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The picture represents the wheel of life of the
salmon
Use synonyms
fish
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
,the life of
salmon
Use synonyms
fish
Use synonyms
 starts with
egg
Correct article usage
an egg
show examples
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lives approximately
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
5 years and attains a
length
Use synonyms
 of around 70-75cm.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
salmon
Use synonyms
eggs
Use synonyms
 are found in the
downstreams
Correct your spelling
downstream
 of the
river
Use synonyms
 where the mature female
fish
Use synonyms
 lays
eggs
Use synonyms
 which are smaller than pebbles.
Further
Linking Words
,
egg
Correct article usage
the egg
show examples
 hatches and attains the fry
stage
Use synonyms
 followed by smolt and
finally
Linking Words
 reaches
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adulthood.
Initially
Linking Words
,the
salmon
Use synonyms
eggs
Use synonyms
 are present at the
botton
Correct your spelling
bottom
 of the upper
river
Use synonyms
, normally it takes 5-6 months for
hatching
Add an article
the hatching
show examples
 of
eggs
Use synonyms
 and
then
Linking Words
moves
Correct subject-verb agreement
move
show examples
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
fast
Add an article
a fast
show examples
 flowing
river
Use synonyms
,during
this
Linking Words
stage
Use synonyms
 the young ones are referred
as
Change preposition
to as
show examples
 'Fry' and usually
ranges
Correct subject-verb agreement
range
show examples
 in the
length
Use synonyms
 of 3-5cm.It grows up in the lowest
river
Use synonyms
Change preposition
for upto
show examples
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 4 years and slowly fry
stage
Use synonyms
 change to 'Smolt' and in
this
Linking Words
Use synonyms
stage
Add a comma
stage,
show examples
fish
Use synonyms
 attains
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
length
Use synonyms
 of 12-15cm. After the 'Smolt'
stage
Use synonyms
,it is moved to
open
Add an article
the open
show examples
 sea where the
salmon
Use synonyms
fish
Use synonyms
 reaches its adulthood and acquires
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
length
Use synonyms
 of 70-76cm.The matured
fish
Use synonyms
 lays
Add an article
an egg
the egg
show examples
egg
Fix the agreement mistake
eggs
show examples
 and the
biorhytm
Correct your spelling
biorhythm
repeates
Correct your spelling
repeated
repeats
.
Submitted by insighttribez on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "initially".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words salmon, fish, length, cm, eggs, river, stage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "moves" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reaches" was used 2 times.
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