IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?

#people #access #computers #basis #children #computer #games #impacts #effects
Access to computers
have
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 significantly widespread, and
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
children
 who play video
games
noticeably
Wrong verb form
has noticed
show examples
Correct article usage
an increased
show examples
increased
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in
this
 century.
As a result
 of
this
,
children
 became tendency of violent and numerous diseases occurred,
such
 as
Correct your spelling
obesity
obesite
Correct your spelling
obesity
 and
Correct your spelling
heart
show examples
hearth
Correct your spelling
heart
show examples
 diseases.
This
 issue will be discussed in
this
 essay
along with
 some possible solutions that may be implemented to alleviate the bad effects. First and
above all
, a lot of
computer
games
 include
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 and
Correct article usage
a numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
children
 learn how to use
this
 behaviour via the
games
.
Children
 who even have never been
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
violent area in their family, if they play
computer
games
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 kind, usually
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 tendency of violent.
According to
 Oxford
University
Change noun form
University's
show examples
 recent research,
children
 who play
computer
games
 related to war, suddenly start to
injury
Replace the word
injure
show examples
 animals and people.
Second
Add an article
The second
show examples
 negative impact of playing
Change preposition
on computer
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 is the
games
 have tremendous preface and
this
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to a dependency on
screen
Fix the agreement mistake
screens
show examples
 for
children
.
And
Correct word choice
This
show examples
this
 situation causes
children
get
Add the particle
to get
show examples
 fat over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time and
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 obese
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
also
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the risk of cardiovascular diseases. It is important that action is taken to combat these negative impacts. Parents should limit their
children
’s
computer
 time and control
games
Correct article usage
the games
show examples
 which their
children
 play.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 they can transform
this
 fact
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a positive situation.
For example
, they suggest to their
children
 to play educational
computer
games
instead
 of war
games
.
Additionally
, parents
also
 should ensure that times do not become
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 addiction. Because of
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 they should encourage their
children
 to lead an active life.
To conclude
,
accessibility
Correct article usage
the accessibility
show examples
 of computers
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to numerous negative
impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people, especially on
children
.
However
,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
in order to prevent
this
 ease of access from turning into an addiction, parents should control their
children
 more and offer them a more active life.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear logical structure with well-organized paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main point and build logically on the previous one.
task achievement
Try to use more complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your writing. This will make your arguments more compelling and your essay more engaging.
task achievement
When introducing examples, it’s important to use specific and relevant examples to support your points. Try to provide more concrete evidence and clear illustrations for your arguments.
task achievement
The essay addresses the negative impacts of computer games on children and proposes relevant solutions, which shows a clear understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the discussion, making your essay easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
There are some attempts to use variety of sentence structures and synonyms, which reflects good effort in making the language varied.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • addiction
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • eye strain
  • inappropriate content
  • social skills
  • isolation
  • academic performance
  • time limits
  • parental supervision
  • age-appropriate
  • physical activities
  • digital literacy
  • balanced computer usage
  • excessive gaming
What to do next:
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