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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

THE NUMBER OF FILMS PRODUCED IN FIVE COUNTRIES IN THREE YEARS

#films #five #countries #three #years
The given bar chart demonstrates information pertaining to numbers in the production of
films
 in five specific nations during the course of three years.
Overall
, it is apparent that all countries saw an increase in film production with the exception of country A
coupled with
 D.
In addition
, it was the highest figure that nations A and B recorded during the time period,
while
 the opposite was true for the 3 remaining countries. Beginning with data which outweighed the others, it can be seen that
nation
Capitalize word
Nation
show examples
 A made up the majority of
films
 throughout the timeline. In 2007 and 2008, it shared the same figures at roughly 85 movies before slightly dropping to the number 80
at the end
 of the timeframe. As for country B where its number of
films
 remained stable at nearly 50 in the first two years and
then
, witnessed a sharp rise to 70
films
 in 2009. Moving onto the remaining nations, regarding country C, its data experienced an upward trend from just under 10 movies at the start to approximately 18 in 2009.
However
, what was seen in
nation
Capitalize word
Nation
show examples
 D was a climb to nearly 12 in film numbers in 2009 after declining to 10 in the previous year. With respect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nation C where made around 10 movies over the given period.
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task achievement
Ensure that all parts of the task are fully addressed. While the essay does cover the main points, a bit more detail in some areas could strengthen the response.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Using more cohesive devices would help the overall structure and make your argument more comprehensible.
coherence cohesion
Add a clear conclusion to summarize the main trends discussed, this can help the reader easily grasp the key points.
task achievement
The response offers a good overview of the data presented in the bar chart and attempts to highlight main trends and changes.
task achievement
Comparisons between different countries are clearly made, which helps draw out interesting points from the data.
coherence cohesion
The essay generally flows well, with relevant information provided in most sections.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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