IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or a negative developent?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #developent
Some proportion of
child
Correct article usage
the child
show examples
 population
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 hours daily
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
devices
such
 as smartphones. Regarding
this
 matter, to my point of view,
this
 has a very negative development on the youngsters. On the positive side, in modern times, children start to use phones
from
Change preposition
at
show examples
 young ages at around 4 or 5 for a sufficient time during
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 day, creating a good start
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their career. As far as artificial intelligence improves, more jobs are likely to require some kind of knowledge about electronic
devices
. In
this
 case, being able to interact with smartphones and other
devices
 might be a very significant skill contributing to their performance at
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
Furthermore
, it is worth noting that, by having access to the internet through their smartphones, curious children could learn any piece of information that they believe they would like to know about.
On the other hand
, many people are not fully aware of the wild consequences that using smart
devices
 can bring about. The major
ramification
Fix the agreement mistake
ramifications
show examples
 can be the health problems related to mental and physical growth. Children’s bodies are only developing at that critical age, and using electronic
devices
 for hours can create serious issues regarding their health. Even adults are now taking medical courses to heal their eyes and they are visiting several psychologists because of the aggression that they have met on the internet.
To sum up
, in my opinion,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
allowing children to use phones for long hours during the day can be very dangerous to them today and in their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by checkmyessay9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Although you have addressed the question, make sure to develop each idea more thoroughly. Expanding on examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in your argument by not contradicting yourself. The second paragraph introduces positive aspects but should be better linked to the overall negative stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
task achievement
You have successfully covered both parts of the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: