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Band 3

Writing Task 1: The percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000

#percentage #men #women #four #countries
The double charts demonstrate the percentage of women and men from 60 to 64 years old in employment between 1970 and 2000 in four countries.
Overall
, it can be seen that the figures for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 more considerable than that for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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.
Additionally
, the gaps between two years are more noticeable in the chart for men than
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for women. Looking at the chart for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, where there are two similar points at two couples of country. As for Australia, its percentage of old employment in 2000 was 16%,
quiet
Correct your spelling
quite
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 smaller than that in 1970 at 18%,
however
, the figures for both years in these countries were twice
higher
Correct word choice
as high
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than
Change preposition
as
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 in Belgium at around 8%. With regard to the USA and Japan, where the percentage ranged from 36% to 43% in 2000, the proportions in 1970 show the similarity when logged around 38% and 40%. Turning to the remaining statistic, where the proportions in 2000 are higher than in 1970. Belgium exhibited the biggest difference where the number in 2000
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 79%, 4 times higher than 19% in 1970. The
second ranked
Add a hyphen
second-ranked
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 discrepancy is in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Australia, where the number in 2000
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 76%
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to 47% in 1970. In regard to the remaining
contries
Correct your spelling
countries
, the degrees in 2000 in the USA and Japan
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 73% and 86%, both higher than in 1970 at 55% and 74% respectively.

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task achievement
Your essay captures the essential data from the charts and presents it in a structured manner. However, there are some clarity and grammatical issues. Improving sentences to convey comparisons more clearly will be beneficial.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a cohesive summary of your findings. The essay would benefit from a conclusion that summarizes the key points discussed.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to the logical flow of your ideas. Each paragraph should transition smoothly to the next. Use appropriate linking words to connect your thoughts more effectively.
task achievement
Great effort in extracting key data from the charts and attempting to compare the figures between the years and countries.
task achievement
Your observations highlight the most significant changes and consistencies, showing a good level of engagement with the data.
coherence cohesion
You managed to convey a lot of complex information. This is commendable as it shows your ability to handle detailed data.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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