IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries is a positive development, while others think that many countries will lose their national identities as a result. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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One
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 school of thought holds that increasing contact on a global scale could bring about positive effects on
one
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’s nation's development,
whereas
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 others believe that
this
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 trend could put national identity in jeopardy.
This
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 essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and the demerits of
this
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 viewpoint before concluding that I am in favour of the former notion. On the
one
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 hand, the exchange among countries could be fraught with pitfalls to some extent. First and foremost, some local companies cooperate with numerous foreign firms, which could create competition to achieve a better opportunity for their domestic businesses.
This
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 trend is on the rise nowadays and,
therefore
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, could have negative effects
such
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 as downsizing or even going bankrupt
due to
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 the company having fewer trade agreements internationally.
Secondly
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, foreign influence may have an adverse bearing on the traditional customs and indigenous practices of local countries. Taking a prime example, European tourists entering Vietnam may behave rudely and wear inappropriate clothes when walking on the street.
Consequently
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,
this
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 acts as a precursor to the bad influence on the young to emulate the behaviours and fashions.
On the other hand
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, there are a host of compelling reasons why I am convinced that
this
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 is indeed a positive development.
One
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 key rationale is that robust relations among countries could yield benefits to the local residents
as well as
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 a thriving economy. To simplify,
this
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 phenomenon could give a chance to the unemployed to have a well-paid job.
As a result
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, leading to an improvement in the living quality of the whole community and a sustainable economy.
Moreover
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, citizens from
one
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 nation can learn more about the history and way of life of many others more easily, which enables people to accept racial
cultural
Correct word choice
and cultural
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 differences and erase hostility
due to
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 past conflicts. In conclusion,
while
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 it is irrefutable that diplomatic ties between nations have some undesirable consequences for culture and business, I am convinced that the upside of
this
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 ongoing trend is more significant than its downside.

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coherence cohesion
To further enhance your essay, work on improving the transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Using a variety of linking words can make your writing more cohesive. For example, instead of starting both the second and third paragraphs with 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' respectively, consider using more varied phrases like 'Conversely,' or 'However,' as appropriate.
task achievement
In the body paragraphs, your main points are clear, but they can be supported with more detailed examples and statistical data to give a stronger argument. For instance, you could mention specific instances of local companies being affected by global competition or cultural changes happening in multiple countries.
overall
Some of the sentence constructions could be made more concise. Avoiding overly complex sentences can make your ideas clearer and easier to understand, which can positively impact both task achievement and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, which effectively present your standpoint and summarize your arguments.
task achievement
You have successfully discussed both viewpoints and provided your own opinion, fulfilling the task requirements comprehensively.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant specific examples, such as mentioning European tourists in Vietnam, which help to illustrate your points effectively.
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