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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive ar negative development?

#children #hours #phones #case #ar #development
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These days,
youngster
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youngsters
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 waste hours every
day
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 on electronic devices because of
attraction
Correct article usage
the attraction
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 of social media and lots of
games
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. To my way of thinking, it is a negative development for
children
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 and
affect
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affects
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to
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apply
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their health, learning and future. First of all, there are many types of apps, social networking sites or
games
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 on the phone so that
children
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 can approach and use them. Obviously, software developers always find a way to lure the
children
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 who account for the
major
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majority
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 of usage.
Moreover
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,
games
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 and social networking sites should be addictive substances because its graphics, variation in information and a huge community for chatting and connecting with others.
For instance
Linking Words
, Facebook is a
difuse
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diverse
 social networking site that
capture
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captures
show examples
millions
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millions of
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 users worldwide.
As a result
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, more and more
children
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 spend a lot of time every
day
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 on their
phones
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.
On the other hand
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, using electronic devices too much can prevent
children
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 from studying and affect
to
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apply
show examples
their future and health. Eyes can easily be wounded by electronic apparatus so if
children
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 use it a lot, they will have sore eyes.
Besides
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,
speding
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spending
 hours using
phones
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 is
also
Linking Words
 a main reason of distracted from studying.
Phones
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is
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are
show examples
 just devices for everyone to relax after a busy
day
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 but some
children
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 take advantage of using
phones
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 to play
games
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 or chat with
friend
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friends
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.
Hence
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, their studying will be declined, if they depend on their
phones
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 too much. In conclusion, the tendency
of spending
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to spend
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 hours every
day
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 on
phones
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 is caused by the attraction of
games
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 and social networks. Personally, I believe
this
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 problem can
be overcame
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be overcome
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 by their parents, teachers or adults to expand
children
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 in a perfect way.
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task adequately, presenting reasons why children spend hours on their phones and discussing the negative impacts. However, make sure to thoroughly explain each point and provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
language and grammar
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and word choice to enhance clarity. Additionally, aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to convey your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, focus on improving the flow between ideas. Use more cohesive devices or linking words to ensure your points are clearly connected, and consider elaborating a bit more on the main ideas to provide deeper insights.
task achievement
Your essay clearly identifies the reasons why children spend much time on their phones and presents the negative impacts clearly in the body paragraphs. This shows good task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and contribute to the overall structure of the essay. The introduction sets the stage for your argument, and the conclusion wraps it up effectively.
supported main points
You have included some relevant ideas and examples to support your points, like mentioning Facebook as a popular social media platform that captures millions of users.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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