Some children spend hours every day on their phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive ar negative development?
These days,
youngster
waste hours every Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
day
on electronic devices because of attraction
of social media and lots of Correct article usage
the attraction
games
. To my way of thinking, it is a negative development for children
and affect
Change the verb form
affects
to
their health, learning and future.
First of all, there are many types of apps, social networking sites or Change preposition
apply
games
on the phone so that children
can approach and use them. Obviously, software developers always find a way to lure the children
who account for the major
of usage. Correct your spelling
majority
Moreover
, games
and social networking sites should be addictive substances because its graphics, variation in information and a huge community for chatting and connecting with others. For instance
, Facebook is a difuse
social networking site that Correct your spelling
diverse
capture
Change the verb form
captures
millions
users worldwide. Add the preposition
millions of
As a result
, more and more children
spend a lot of time every day
on their phones
.
On the other hand
, using electronic devices too much can prevent children
from studying and affect to
their future and health. Eyes can easily be wounded by electronic apparatus so if Change preposition
apply
children
use it a lot, they will have sore eyes. Besides
, speding
hours using Correct your spelling
spending
phones
is also
a main reason of distracted from studying. Phones
is
just devices for everyone to relax after a busy Change the verb form
are
day
but some children
take advantage of using phones
to play games
or chat with friend
. Fix the agreement mistake
friends
Hence
, their studying will be declined, if they depend on their phones
too much.
In conclusion, the tendency of spending
hours every Change preposition
to spend
day
on phones
is caused by the attraction of games
and social networks. Personally, I believe this
problem can be overcame
by their parents, teachers or adults to expand Change the verb form
be overcome
children
in a perfect way.Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task adequately, presenting reasons why children spend hours on their phones and discussing the negative impacts. However, make sure to thoroughly explain each point and provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
language and grammar
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and word choice to enhance clarity. Additionally, aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to convey your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, focus on improving the flow between ideas. Use more cohesive devices or linking words to ensure your points are clearly connected, and consider elaborating a bit more on the main ideas to provide deeper insights.
task achievement
Your essay clearly identifies the reasons why children spend much time on their phones and presents the negative impacts clearly in the body paragraphs. This shows good task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and contribute to the overall structure of the essay. The introduction sets the stage for your argument, and the conclusion wraps it up effectively.
supported main points
You have included some relevant ideas and examples to support your points, like mentioning Facebook as a popular social media platform that captures millions of users.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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