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Band 4.5

Q. In some parts of the world traditional festivals and celebrations have disappeared or are disappearing. What problems is this causing? What measures could be taken to counter this situation?

#q #parts #world #festivals #celebrations #measures #counter #situation
There are various kinds of traditional
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 in the world.
People
 usually use festivals and celebrations to keep and spread the
culture
.
However
, some of them cannot be seen or show up rarely these years, which could be replaced by new
culture
 or be only known by
eldly
Correct your spelling
elderly
people
. As many areas
has
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have
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 developed so fast recently,
people
 have lots of new
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
 and values, which influenced the heritage of old
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
.
For example
, since the production
developement
Correct your spelling
development
 makes
the
Correct article usage
apply
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air pollution serious, citizens are going to decrease the emissions of polluted air and don't want to use fireworks to celebrate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
traditional festivals,
such
 as Spring Festival.
Therefore
, some children haven't watched that kind of
celebrations
Fix the agreement mistake
celebration
show examples
 and may have little knowledge of that.
Besides
, young
people
 are likely to be addicted to new
culture
 rather than learning the traditional inheritance from old
people
.
For instance
, a number of teenagers spend a lot of time
on
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apply
show examples
playing computer games or watching videos with their
smart phones
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smartphones
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. It is hard for you to ask them to put down their
mouses
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mice
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 or phones and gain knowledge calmly and patiently, which causes the dropping number of young children who know the
traditon
Correct your spelling
tradition
.
This
 problem can be solved by adding the education of traditional
culture
 at school, so kids can get the chance to learn and experience those
culture
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cultures
show examples
. And governments can
also
 encourage
people
 to attend the
festivlas
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festivals
festival
 and celebrations
by
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with
show examples
 free gifts and activities. In conclusion,
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
culture
 is
a
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the
show examples
 main
causing
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cause
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 of the
disapearing
Correct your spelling
disappearing
 of
old
Add an article
the old
an old
show examples
culture
. We should help young
people
 get more
infomation
Correct your spelling
information
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 that.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Your essay provides answers to the questions posed by the topic, however, it would greatly benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Try to include precise instances or studies to make your arguments more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay flows reasonably well, there are sections where transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using cohesive devices such as 'moreover', 'likewise', or 'on the other hand' to better link your paragraphs and thoughts.
language accuracy
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, such as 'eldly' instead of 'elderly' and 'It is hard for you to ask them to put down their mouses or phones'. Proofreading for these minor mistakes can improve your overall clarity.
introduction conclusion
You have a good introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear and relevant to the topic.
task response
Your essay addresses both the problems caused by the disappearance of traditional festivals and some measures to counter this situation, meeting the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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