IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Others believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss on both sides and give your opinion

#people #traditions #attractions #tourists
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is considered that using tourist hotspots as a tool to make money brings several negative influences
while
 others argue that there is one of the best ways to save these societal norms. In my opinion, I would agree with the latter and discuss
this
 issue in both views. On the one hand, it is undoubted that cultural traditions might be ruined
due to
 monetizing practices. To explain
this
 point, with the purpose of drawing the attention of more tourists, they could be redesigned to ensure an eye-catching appearance, resulting in the loss of traditional value. Take Vietnam as an example, almost breathtaking sceneries
such
 as Phong Nha Ke Bang cave or Ha Long Bay were rebuilt to meet the demand in adventuring the nature of humans.
Thus
, these changes might lead to the destruction of the original culture down the road.
On the other hand
, in order to conserve these values, monetizing cultural traditions is the cost-effective method nowadays. Given the fact that technological advancements make residents, especially children and adolescents, have less incentive to take part in these conventional conducts.
Additionally
, by turning them into attractive destinations, more and more people would want to look up the information related to them.
Hence
, the outcome of
this
 action is that numerous young people started exploring more about societal traditions, preventing these values from being forgotten. In conclusion, despite monetizing practices that might bring a wealth of unfavourable impacts on traditional cultures, I
holds
Change the verb form
hold
show examples
 a belief that it is one of the only ways to facilitate the young to preserve them.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, presenting both sides of the argument effectively. However, expanding on the examples and providing more specific details could strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the main point you're making. While the logical structure is present, further dividing the ideas and using more cohesive devices would enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
You have crafted an introduction and conclusion that clearly outline your position and summarize the discussion effectively.
task achievement
Your response covers both sides of the argument and provides a nuanced opinion, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Commercialization
  • Dilution of cultural traditions
  • Authenticity
  • Cultural heritage
  • Revenue
  • Financial support
  • Preservation
  • Promotion
  • Commodification of culture
  • Intrinsic value
  • Exposure
  • Global awareness
  • Respect and understanding
  • Economic gain
  • Local communities
  • Decision-making processes
  • Respectful portrayal
What to do next:
Look at other essays: