IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What measures could best be taken to solve it?

#parts #world #children #teenagers #time #indoors #measures
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These days, many of the younger generation tend to spend their
time
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 in their rooms.
Although
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 there are lots of amusement facilities to entertain
people
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due to
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 recent technological developments,
this
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 lifestyle has brought some problems to youngsters.
This
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 essay will examine some of these problems in detail and propose some solutions. One of the main causes of the
problem
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 is that the Internet has provided almost everything for
people
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 without the need to leave their homes.
For example
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, my friends used to buy their coffee from
this
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 cafe near our university, but recently they purchased it through the Internet. The reason is that it is much easier and saves
time
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 for them. To tackle
this
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 issue, the government should slow the pace of
life
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, especially in big cities, in order to give
people
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 more
time
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 to spend on these activities. Another
problem
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 is that
people
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 have been living lazily and become couch potatoes. What I mean is that most young
people
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 do not have a passion for
life
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 and try to do something great in their
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
This
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 has made many fields stagnate and without improvements. The way forward to
this
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problem
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 is to educate children about the aim of
life
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 and the importance of having a goal in
life
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. The third cause of the
problem
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 is that the health condition of many young
people
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 is awful.
This
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 is because they tend not to exercise, so most of them are suffering from diseases, including obesity and asthma. A solution is for the teachers and parents to be aware of being active and doing exercise.
To sum up
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, despite the fact that many young
people
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 suffer from many issues because of leading an awful lifestyle,
this
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 situation can be tackled. The government, parents, and teachers can tackle the
problem
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 by making
life
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 easier, educating children about the importance of
life
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 and encouraging them to exercise.In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their
time
Use synonyms
 indoors. What do you think are the causes of
this
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problem
Use synonyms
? What measures could best be taken to solve it?
Submitted by Shahdadi.m76 on

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task achievement
Your essay covers the causes and solutions effectively, but it could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Adding specific details or case studies can make your points more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-organized, some transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Try using more varied transitional phrases to improve the flow.
supported main points
Ensure that all your main points are equally supported with evidence. Some arguments are well-developed, but others could use more elaboration.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states the issue and what the essay will cover. This sets a clear expectation for the reader.
logical structure
You have a logical structure to your essay, with distinct paragraphs focusing on different points. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
supported main points
Your main points are relevant to the topic and each paragraph focuses on a single idea, which helps in maintaining clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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