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Band 4.5

The average annual expenditure of college students from three countries.

#expenditure #college #students #three #countries
The table depicts countries A, B, and C in terms of how much annual money is spent on
accommodation
,
food
,
books
,
leisure
, and
others
 by college
students
 in these nations. It is noticeable that total
students
' spending experiences upward trends.
Accommodation
, notable, is by far the most widespread sector in learners' expenditure. In
country
 A, the majority of college
students
' spending on
Accommodation
 holds the lion’s share, amounting to 45%, followed by a parallel proportion between
Food
 and
Leisure
 (22%). In stark contrast, the figures for
Others
 and
Books
 are significantly lower in their percentages, with the former accounting for 8% and the latter a negligible 3%.
On the other hand
, 35% of student expenditure on
Accommodation
 originates from
country
 B, hitting the highest point in the
country
, which is remarkably higher than the statistics for
Food
 and
Leisure
, with respective figures being 28% and 23%. Meanwhile, the data for
Books
 and
Others
 in
country
 B are comparatively similar, 9% and 5% respectively. Regarding nation C, there is 36% of spending on
Food
 by
students
, compared to 30% on
Accommodation
, 21% on
Books
, and 12% on
Leisure
, whilst the lowest number is attributed to
others
, comprising a mere 1%.
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coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring your ideas flow more smoothly from one point to the next. Transitions between points can be clearer.
coherence cohesion
Provide a clear and concise conclusion to summarize your findings. Currently, the essay lacks a concluding paragraph.
task achievement
Use more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition, and ensure that percentages and figures are clearly explained and contextualized.
task achievement
Be careful with small grammatical errors and sentence structures to enhance readability.
task achievement
You managed to present a comprehensive overview of the expenditure in different countries, covering all the necessary categories.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction which helps to set the stage for the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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