In many countries, young people are granted certain privileges and responsibilities at the age of sixteen. Clearly parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach this important milestone. To what degree should parents intervene in the lives of their 14-15 year-old children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
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Nowadays, human longevity is expanded and
people
's health in general has been considerably improved compared to the past 100 years thanks to a number of beneficial factors like advancement in clinical science, better living conditions, etc. The over-the-age-of-65 no longer spend their last
days hopelessly in hospitals but can lead a full and dynamic lifestyles
. Correct the article-noun agreement
a full and dynamic lifestyle
full and dynamic lifestyles
As a result
, there are some benefits that are created for the whole community
.
To begin
with, precious experience and knowledge of the old could be made use of when they continue working. It is because of the fact that those people
have accumulated enough qualifications, qualities and experiences throughout
a long time Change preposition
over
making
Change the verb form
to make
Add an article
a contribution
contribution
to Fix the agreement mistake
contributions
the
society. Correct article usage
apply
Besides
, some psychologists suggest that the feeling of being useful and valueable
can the therapeutic for the old, and their work efficiency in good health is equal to, and even higher in some cases than those in their 30s or 40s. Correct your spelling
valuable
Therefore
, more prosperity can be created and the labor
force is reinforced when the old continues working in the Change the spelling
labour
labor
force.
Change the spelling
labour
Besides
, healthy and life-loving old people
can help reduce burden
for the whole Add an article
the burden
community
. To make it clear, social
health-care system could have more money and invest more time in taking care of newborn babies and incidence victims if the number of the old in nursing homes is decreased. In some developed countries like Japan or Scotland, the ageing problem is becoming more and more serious, putting the Add an article
the social
heath-care
system under great pressure Correct your spelling
health-care
while
the government sometimes need to raise taxes and young
workforce Correct article usage
the young
need
to earn as much money to help Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
stablize
the economy. Correct your spelling
stabilise
As a consequence
, the community
can benefit a lot from active olders
as the health-care systemCorrect your spelling
holders
Add the comma(s)
, as well as the burden on the whole economy,
as well as
the burden on the whole economy become lighter.
In a nutshell, improvement in the physical health of old people
can help bring a myriad of benefits to the
society by making use of their Correct article usage
apply
work ability
and Correct your spelling
workability
reduce
pressure on the Wrong verb form
reducing
community
.Submitted by thuhong.68hnue on
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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task prompt and presents a clear position on the benefits of increased longevity and improved health of elderly people. However, there are some minor language inaccuracies and awkward phrasing that slightly impact clarity. Consider revisiting some sentences to ensure they are concise and clear.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is logically structured, some points could be more clearly connected to enhance readability. Using more transitional phrases and ensuring each idea flows smoothly from one to the next can improve coherence.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in neatly framing your argument.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples, such as the mention of Japan and Scotland, to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example