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Band 4.5

longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five cần continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make?

#life #improvements #health #people #age #sixty-five #cần #lives #society #benefit #contribution
Currently, have lots of
opinion
Change to a plural noun
opinions
show examples
 that longer life spans and improvements in the health of older
people
 suggest that
people
 over the age of sixty-five cần continue to live full and active lives. And I think
that is
 true.
Because nowadays
Correct word choice
Nowadays
show examples
 have many older
people
 reached retirement age but they still
continued
Wrong verb form
continue
show examples
 to
work
 and
contributed
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
 many benefits to
society
.
Due to
 increasing social needs, pensions
not
Add a missing verb
are not
show examples
 enough to pay for daily needs. So many reached retirement age
continue
Correct word choice
and continue
show examples
 to
work
.
And there
Correct word choice
There
show examples
 are
also
 some
people
 who do not want to waste the experience and knowledge they have been trained or some
people
 who do not want to be a burden to their children and
society
 so they continue to
work
 to contribute to
society
 and the country. The elderly can do volunteer
work
 like
this
 which can help a lot for
society
 and for themselves because social activities can help them feel happier
instead
 of always staying at home.
For example
, Ms Luong Thi Le An,
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
retired 10 years ago, but after leaving her position as vice principal, she continued to take on the position of vice president and
then
 president of the Commune's Association of Former Teachers to continue her journey of caring for and helping teachers and students in difficult circumstances. In closing, the older
people
 can
contributed
Change the verb form
contribute
show examples
 a lot of benefit for
society
. And the
work
 they do not only helps
society
 but
also
 helps them feel their lives are more interesting or helps them with financial burdens.
Submitted by thuhong.68hnue on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving your coherence and cohesion by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using linking words and phrases can help with this.
task achievement
Expand on and clarify your main points further. This will make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive. Adding more detailed explanations can help you achieve this.
task achievement
You have used a real-life example (Ms. Luong Thi Le An) to support your argument, which is very effective in enhancing the relevance and impact of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and your conclusion effectively summarizes your discussion, which is important for maintaining a well-structured essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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