IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that it is good for younger people to make their own decisions. Others feel that these decisions should be made with the help of their parents. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

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Many people believe that making their own resolutions are positive development for adolescents,
while
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 others think that their father and mother should help them to make a decision. I believe, that even though
this
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 could lead teenagers to make a wrong decision, it can develop their sense of self-responsibility and make them more independent. When young people are allowed to make their own decisions, it could lead them to make wrong judgments because they have less experience and sometimes they are not aware of any consequences that arise in the future.
Moreover
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, the children have a tendency to choose the easiest and the most interesting things for them even though they already know the negative impact.
Therefore
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, an opinion from their parents is required notably for the decisions
further
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 impacting on their future,
such
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 as their study chosen.
However
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, adolescents should have the freedom to choose what best suits them because they should learn how to be responsible for any resolutions they make.
This
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 kind of freedom will make the children more independent and mature as they get older.
Furthermore
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, it will hone their problem-solving skills as they should deal with any problems that come after that decision.
For instance
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, children who live independently from their families are able to make better decisions in a short time in their adulthood compared with others. In conclusion,
although
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 giving teenagers freedom in decision-making has some risks, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks as it has positive long-term developments in terms of their self-responsibility, independence and problem-solving skills.

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task achievement
While the essay effectively covers both viewpoints and provides an opinion, adding more specific examples would strengthen the argument. For instance, mentioning a scenario where parental guidance led to a successful outcome or a situation where independence fostered maturity would be beneficial.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay can be improved by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas. Some sentences feel abrupt, making it slightly challenging to follow the argument. Utilize transition words and phrases to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
To solidify the structure, ensure that every paragraph has a clear main idea that directly supports the thesis statement. Occasionally, the essay strays slightly from the main argument. Keeping the focus sharper would make the argument more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states both viewpoints and includes the writer's opinion, setting up the essay appropriately.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer's opinion, providing a strong end to the essay.
complete response
The essay covers the task requirements well, addressing both sides of the argument comprehensively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • confidence
  • empowered
  • consequences
  • mistakes
  • experience
  • guidance
  • wisdom
  • safety net
  • security
  • informed decisions
  • balance
  • autonomy
  • support
  • pitfalls
  • challenges
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