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Band 5

Some people get into debt by buying things they do not need and are unable to afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

#people #debt #behaviour #action
Many
people
 are trapped into debt by being consumptive for buying things that are not really important
which
Correct word choice
and which
show examples
 they cannot afford. In my view,
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
occurred
Wrong verb form
occurs
show examples
 because often
people
 want to impress their peers.
Moreover
, impulsive buying can happen because
people
 do not have enough
knowledge
 about finance.
This
 can be changed by being mindful
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 themselves,
not
Correct word choice
and not
show examples
 actually paying attention to what other
people
 are thinking.
Firstly
,
such
 acts as impulsive buying can happen
due to
 the fact that many
people
 care more about their surrounding opinions about them than their own actual needs.
Furthermore
, the act of sudden buying will only satisfy their ego, not
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their needs. One clear example is when something that person really needs is a new bag to carry around work stuff,
on the other
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
show examples
 their peers
pressured
Wrong verb form
pressure
show examples
 them to buy a fancy bag and
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 them end up buying the fancy bag.
Secondly
, the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 can occur when
people
 do not have adequate
knowledge
 about finance.
As a result
, it can lead to unwise financial decisions
such
 as sudden buying without
concerning
Replace the word
concern about
show examples
 whether it is urgent or not.
For
this
 reason, if
this
 kind of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is kept repeating will result in financial shambles for that respective individual.
For instance
,
people
 with a good salary but
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not have financial
knowledge
 will often splurge their salary to buy things that have no urgency. That kind of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 can be prevented by focusing on what actually matters, not what can impress
people
. By being mindful, the urge to splurge huge amounts of money to impulsively buy something can be suppressed. In conclusion, impressing
people
 and not having financial
knowledge
 could be a disaster
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 your finances. One of the ways to prevent it is
being
Change the verb form
to be
show examples
 mindful
to acquire
Change preposition
of acquiring
show examples
 something
that is
 really needed.
Submitted by nputera.ramadhani on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your essay, ensure that each paragraph has a clear, single focus. Make sure each paragraph supports the thesis statement effectively and stay on-topic without introducing unrelated points.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from the use of more varied and complex sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of fluency. Try to include a mix of sentence lengths and types.
task achievement
Work on providing more explicit examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your arguments more compelling and reinforce your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
You provide clear reasons for why people fall into debt and suggest reasonable solutions, demonstrating a sound understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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