IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that children should be allowed to go out for outdoor activities. While others believe that children should stay at home most of the time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe outside is fine for
children
Use synonyms
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe stay
home
Use synonyms
. I guess that depends on the situation. My opinion is outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 always better than indoor
activities
Use synonyms
. First of all, the outdoors
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 always better for humans. If you need more energy you will go outside because seeing, walking, feeling, and communicating with other
people
Use synonyms
 in every different situation is good for
people
Use synonyms
. If
children
Use synonyms
 go to outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 they will quickly develop motor skills.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
's parks, cycling,
scooter
Fix the agreement mistake
scooters
show examples
,
activities
Use synonyms
 parks, and adventure parks are good for
children
Use synonyms
. All the
kids
Use synonyms
 love
this
Linking Words
 kind of activity. When I was young, I learnt too many
things
Use synonyms
 about outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
. I remember a laundry detergent commercial. They said to
kids
Use synonyms
 - keep dirty because being dirty beautiful. They want to say, you learn many
things
Use synonyms
 by playing outside and don't worry, our detergent cleans all dirty
things
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
 ,
home
Use synonyms
 is a safe way. Absolute
kids
Use synonyms
 learn many
things
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
 but not realizable. I have a son, he is almost 6 years old and we stayed 2 years at
home
Use synonyms
 for covid
time
Use synonyms
. I prefer to play outside but we can't. We found different ways of learning. I bought toys, books, and activity equipment that's not cheap and not natural.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some special
things
Use synonyms
 need a
home
Use synonyms
 place. In summary, in my childhood
time
Use synonyms
, we play outside all the
time
Use synonyms
. And we were really happy. I prefer 100% per cent outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 better for
people
Use synonyms
 but specifically for
children
Use synonyms
. Nowadays outside dangerous than in my childhood
time
Use synonyms
. But, we plan for outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 weekly. All
kids
Use synonyms
 need that
time
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a more structured approach. Consider using paragraphs to separate different points of view, reasons, and examples.
task achievement
Try to develop ideas more fully. Each paragraph should elaborate on one point with supporting details and examples.
task achievement
A clearer stance in your conclusion would strengthen your response. Summarize your main points and restate your opinion concisely.
task achievement
Increase the range of vocabulary and sentence structures used to make the essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are unclear and can be restructured for clarity. For example: 'Absolute kids learn many things at home but not realizable' can be improved to 'Although children can learn many things at home, these experiences are limited and less tangible.'
task achievement
The essay reflects personal experiences which make your points relatable and vivid.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: