IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is imp for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #time #imp
It is thought by some people that
children
 should be motivated by their
parents
 to participate in organised group activities in their leisure time,
while
 others disagree, stating that
youngsters
 have to make their own decisions.
This
 essay will discuss both aspects of
this
 phenomenon and provide a logical conclusion.
Although
 equipping
children
 with a chance to decide on a desired activity is important, I believe that
this
 decision should be controlled by
parents
. On the one hand, adolescents can face challenges associated with hesitation.
Firstly
,
parents
 are the people who exactly know what would be beneficial for their
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
.
For example
, if one is not sure about his or her abilities in a certain field, experienced
parents
 can launch their
children
 on the right path.
Moreover
,by attending organised group activities they can broaden their horizons and get a lot of new information.
For example
, some organised groups that consider travelling would help
youngsters
 to learn more about a variety of overseas cultures and traditions.
On the other hand
, there are numerous perks of allowing
children
 to engage themselves.
To begin
 with, persuading
youngsters
 to take part in any kind of activity can put undue pressure on them. To move on to more details, it is essential for kids to do what they really want.
Otherwise
, deprived of motivation, they would have no desire to engage in a boring yet advantageous organisation.
However
, if they are given an opportunity to select a desired field, they will indulge in their passion,
thus
 reducing stress levels.
To conclude
, some individuals believe that
children
 are not mature enough to make their own choices and should be supported by
parents
,
whereas
 others think that
youngsters
 must learn how to occupy themselves. I believe that
parents
 should promote their
children
 in order to provide them with a chance to get to know the world better.
Submitted by chtpstmy42 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both views, and a conclusion. However, there are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that you could refine to improve clarity.
task achievement
You effectively address both aspects of the prompt, and your arguments are logical. To strengthen your task achievement, ensure to elaborate a bit more on each point and provide a little more detailed examples or evidence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and help in framing the entire essay logically.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion by considering both sides of the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cooperation
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • structured activities
  • belonging
  • enriching environment
  • self-reliant
  • imagination
  • creativity
  • overprogramming
  • spontaneity
  • unstructured time
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!