IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 1

Many feel that happiness is mainly an individual responsibility, while others feel that there are important external factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#happiness #responsibility #factors
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In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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state-of-the-art societies,
people
's emotions
such
 as joyfulness are the most important aspects. Some
people
thought
Wrong verb form
think
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 that
human's
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human
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 feeling is created by
owner
Add an article
the owner
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,
while
 others
said
Wrong verb form
say
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 that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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related
Wrong verb form
relate
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 to
people
 who live around one.
This
 essay will discuss both sides and give
Correct article usage
the writter's
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writter's
Correct your spelling
writer's
 opinion that the first supervisor
the
Add a missing verb
is the
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 second. Starting with individuals, it is
easily
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easy
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 to
known
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know
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 that
people
 can decide their
choice
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choices
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include
Wrong verb form
including
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 how
them
Change the pronoun
they
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 react
with
Change preposition
to
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 every
situations
Change to a singular noun
situation
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.
For example
, some
researches
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research
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illustratrate
Correct your spelling
illustrate
 the most effect on emotions
that is
 thinking of
Correct article usage
the brains
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brains
Fix the agreement mistake
brain
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due to
 the production of many hormones, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 responsible for
people
's
reaction
Fix the agreement mistake
reactions
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.
Therefore
, the
hapiness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 depends
mainl
Correct your spelling
mainly
 on
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 owner.
Moreover
,

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the two opposing views you are going to discuss. The current introduction is somewhat unclear and difficult to follow. A more structured approach could help, such as: 'Many people believe that happiness is primarily an individual's responsibility, while others argue that external factors play a significant role. This essay will discuss both viewpoints and provide the writer's perspective.'
coherence cohesion
Try to improve sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity. Some sentences are difficult to understand and contain grammatical errors. For instance, 'it is easily to known that people can decide their choice include how them react with every situations' could be revised to 'it is well-known that people have control over their choices, including how they react to different situations.'
task achievement
You have made an attempt to discuss both views, which is essential for this type of essay. This shows an understanding of the task requirement.
task achievement
Your essay indicates that you have some understanding of the connection between individual choices and happiness, as well as external influences. This is a good foundation.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Individual responsibility
  • External factors
  • Personal choices
  • Mindset
  • Attitude
  • Mental health
  • Self-improvement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Financial stability
  • Social relationships
  • Supportive family
  • Environment
  • Living conditions
  • Neighborhood safety
  • Cultural factors
  • Interplay
  • Dispositions
  • Case studies
  • Practical strategies
What to do next:
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