IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, it is illegal for companies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #companies #job #applicants #age #development
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In recent days, several states implemented laws against
age
 discrimination
while
 hiring.
This
 can cause both pros and cons to countries.
However
, in my opinion, I consider
such
 laws to be positive development since the disadvantages.
On the contrary
 a ton of drawbacks when the governments do not allow employers to recruit someone
due to
 their
age
.
Firstly
, if we talk about young individuals
som
Correct your spelling
some
show examples
 companies
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
show examples
Correct article usage
the publics
show examples
publics
Fix the agreement mistake
public
show examples
 to have no experience.
Secondly
, older workers may lose their salary, leading to
be coming
Correct your spelling
becoming
show examples
 poor
due to
 their expenditures including food, medicine, clothes, education, and many more.
On the other hand
, there are multiple menus. As I mentioned before, business companies do not allow teenagers to their position at their
age
 which means they have only a few experiences or have even not finished high school yet,
this
 can make the student learn more for their knowledge.
As a result
,
this
 can make that country have more intelligent people which can make an upward economy and can help the majority of the population to become wealthy. As more geniuses, society can make a lot of advanced progress in their nation.
Moreover
, some elderly person cannot do physical occupations
due to
 their well-being, so
this
 may affect their physical health which is dangerous for them. In conclusion, with
age
 comes wisdom and knowledge but
also
 leads to physical well-being.
Therefore
, legislation for job applications from youth is a necessary and positive development.

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task achievement
The essay does not fully address the task. While it mentions both positive and negative aspects of making age discrimination in hiring illegal, the arguments are not deeply explored. Try to expand on each point and provide more specific examples to strengthen the essay.
task achievement
The ideas presented are sometimes unclear and need better development. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting details clearly relate to that idea.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from better clarity and organization in thought. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that there is a logical progression in your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Several grammatical errors and awkward phrases detract from readability. Focus on improving sentence structure and ensuring appropriate use of vocabulary.
introduction conclusion present
The essay introduces and concludes the topic, providing a basic framework for the discussion.
logical structure
There is an attempt to present both sides of the argument, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • age diversity
  • combat age discrimination
  • job opportunities
  • experienced individuals
  • vast knowledge
  • suboptimal hiring decisions
  • legal compliance
  • reverse discrimination
  • operational costs
  • health insurance
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