IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.

#parts #world #market #products #whiten #people’s #skin #outline #effects #terms #health #society
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While
 it is widely claimed that a newly profitable market of whitening products has emerged across the world
due to
 a new beauty standard, others argue that
this
 whitening trend could bring about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative development. Both points of view and possible effects in terms of health and society will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it may seem sensible for some to believe that whitening products are in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
great demand
due to
 recent
beauty's
Change noun form
beauty
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myth
Fix the agreement mistake
myths
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.
This
 is possibly because of the images of each
skin
 tone portrayed differently
such
 as the lighter
skin
often
Add a missing verb
is often
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 viewed as clean and angelic vibe
while
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
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those who have darker
skin
seen
Add a missing verb
are seen
show examples
 as
baddie
Fix the agreement mistake
baddies
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 and style
instead
. To exemplify, it is obvious in Southeast
asia
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Asia
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 region that women with fairer
skin
found
Add a missing verb
are found
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 to be more appealing than those who have darker
skin
shade
Fix the agreement mistake
shades
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 both in men and women.
Therefore
, in
this
 respect, there is
an
Correct article usage
apply
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evident
Replace the word
evidence
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 showing that there are negative effects
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 using these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of products and
this
 concerning trend
Firstly
, in
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 aspect, these whitewashing
product
Change the determiner
products
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 have strong
chemical
Fix the agreement mistake
chemicals
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 to
shading
Wrong verb form
shade
show examples
skin
 which
making
Wrong verb form
makes
show examples
 our
skin
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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replenish yet fragile to numerous exposures like
microoranism
Correct your spelling
microorganism
micro organism
 or pollutants. Take Michael Jackson,
for example
;
whom
Change the pronoun
who
show examples
 was accused for underwent
an excessive whitening procedures
Correct the article-noun agreement
an excessive whitening procedure
excessive whitening procedures
show examples
 that
leading
Wrong verb form
led
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 to death.
Secondly
,
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
social
Correct article usage
a social
show examples
perspectives
Fix the agreement mistake
perspective
show examples
, especially discrimination. In summary,
although
 it is undeniable that people nowadays want to have lighter
skin
 in order to meet the beauty standard, I am of the opinion that the aforementioned negative effects should be resolved
as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to create a better future.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to structure the essay more logically. For instance, separating reasons and effects more clearly can enhance comprehension.
task achievement
Work on providing stronger and more specific examples to support your points. This can help make your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
Clarify some of your main ideas to ensure they are easily understandable. Some phrasings can be simplified for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both reasons for using skin whitening products and their effects on health and society.
task achievement
The essay attempts to cover both health and societal perspectives, which makes it comprehensive in scope.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Skin lightening
  • Whitening products
  • Cultural standards
  • Beauty ideals
  • Media portrayal
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Colorism
  • Self-esteem
  • Toxic ingredients
  • Hydroquinone
  • Mercury
  • Melanin
  • Dermatological health
  • Consumer awareness
  • Regulatory bodies
  • Ethical marketing
  • Natural remedies
What to do next:
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