IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is said that
money
Correct article usage
the money
show examples
 of the government had better be used for the leisure experiences improvement rather than to predominantly focus on
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 of the youths.
While
 acknowledging the
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
show examples
 for educational development, I contend that there should be more appropriate areas for young people like
playground
Fix the agreement mistake
playgrounds
show examples
 and sporty courts. There are various reasons why the authorities spend their money enhancing the educational system.
Firstly
, within a wide range of knowledge, which
having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 been discovered, ancestors tend to force their descendants to fully acquire them as a way for national promotion. By delving deeper into particular domains
such
 as
mechanism
Fix the agreement mistake
mechanisms
show examples
 and
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
, young individuals would be able to apply them to their personal and national benefits as a whole.
Furthermore
, cognitive abilities among young people would be
fully-developed
Correct your spelling
fully developed
show examples
,
due to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
constant acquisition, which could
be positively support
Change the verb form
positively support
show examples
 their own future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
. Having said that, mainly
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
show examples
 on educating people at a young age would possibly escalate to adverse effects
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 mental health, which require
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
various methods of relaxation. Spending most of their time each day investigating
further
 into any subjects like mathematics or science, the youth would have to stay
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their own seat for several hours, making it possible to overcome
hemorrhoids
Change the spelling
haemorrhoids
show examples
 and neck disorders. For that reason, providing means of relaxation
such
 as
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 places construction could resolve the issues. Being able to attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
activities like football or volleyball,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would have their spine move for the balance of their body, positively lead to a better cardiovascular system and avoid embarrassing health problems. In brief,
although
 the necessity for acknowledging new concepts could be essential for every nation, I totally believe that there should be ways for those young to relieve their stress and working burden.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve clarity and coherence, consider restructuring sentences to avoid overly complex constructions. For example, 'while acknowledging the need for educational development, I contend...' can be simplified for clarity.
task achievement
Enhance task response by providing more specific examples and elaborating on them. For instance, instead of 'providing means of relaxation such as sport places construction...', you could describe specific facilities or programs.
general
Work on sentence variety and reducing grammatical inaccuracies. For example, ensure subject-verb agreement and proper usage of articles.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion sections.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with relevant reasoning, enhancing the overall task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: