IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
It is said that
money
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the money
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 of the government had better be used for the leisure experiences improvement rather than to predominantly focus on
education
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the education
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 of the youths.
While
 acknowledging the
needs
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need
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 for educational development, I contend that there should be more appropriate areas for young people like
playground
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playgrounds
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 and sporty courts. There are various reasons why the authorities spend their money enhancing the educational system.
Firstly
, within a wide range of knowledge, which
having
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has
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 been discovered, ancestors tend to force their descendants to fully acquire them as a way for national promotion. By delving deeper into particular domains
such
 as
mechanism
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mechanisms
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 and
economic
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economics
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, young individuals would be able to apply them to their personal and national benefits as a whole.
Furthermore
, cognitive abilities among young people would be
fully-developed
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fully developed
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,
due to
a
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apply
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constant acquisition, which could
be positively support
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positively support
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 their own future
career
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careers
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. Having said that, mainly
focus
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focusing
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 on educating people at a young age would possibly escalate to adverse effects
of
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on
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 mental health, which require
a
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apply
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various methods of relaxation. Spending most of their time each day investigating
further
 into any subjects like mathematics or science, the youth would have to stay
at
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in
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 their own seat for several hours, making it possible to overcome
hemorrhoids
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haemorrhoids
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 and neck disorders. For that reason, providing means of relaxation
such
 as
sport
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sports
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 places construction could resolve the issues. Being able to attend
to
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apply
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activities like football or volleyball,
they
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apply
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would have their spine move for the balance of their body, positively lead to a better cardiovascular system and avoid embarrassing health problems. In brief,
although
 the necessity for acknowledging new concepts could be essential for every nation, I totally believe that there should be ways for those young to relieve their stress and working burden.

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coherence cohesion
To improve clarity and coherence, consider restructuring sentences to avoid overly complex constructions. For example, 'while acknowledging the need for educational development, I contend...' can be simplified for clarity.
task achievement
Enhance task response by providing more specific examples and elaborating on them. For instance, instead of 'providing means of relaxation such as sport places construction...', you could describe specific facilities or programs.
general
Work on sentence variety and reducing grammatical inaccuracies. For example, ensure subject-verb agreement and proper usage of articles.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion sections.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with relevant reasoning, enhancing the overall task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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