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Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, corrJpared with the number of older people.

#time #population #countries #adults #people
At the present time, the
population
 of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
This
 essay will explain the advantages and disadvantages of
this
 situation which shows
demographic
Correct article usage
a demographic
show examples
 skew towards younger populations.
First,
youthful
Add an article
the youthful
a youthful
show examples
population
 can drive economic growth as they form a large part of the workforce, contributing to productivity and innovation.
The second
Correct article usage
Second
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 occasions can lead to a vibrant and dynamic society
Change preposition
in that
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 these processes play an important role in social dynamism.
In addition
, it can support for
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
 that young adults can help the
population
 through taxation and welfare systems. All these cases indicate that the growth of the youth
population
 is a sign in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the country. Sometimes
this
 increase can result in youth unemployment if there are not enough job opportunities and it can lead to social unrest, disenchantment, and wasted human potential.
While
 young adults contribute to economic growth, they
also
 have dependency needs,
such
 as education and healthcare.
This
 means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
working-age
Add an article
the working-age
a working-age
show examples
population
 can strain resources and social services.
While
 a youthful
population
 is advantageous in the short term, it can lead to challenges in the future as
this
 cohort ages. There may be
worked
Replace the word
work
show examples
 at healthcare systems and pension schemes when
this
 large cohort reaches retirement age.
In addition
,
this
 case can pressure on infrastructure and it leads to overcrowding, inadequate services, and urban sprawl.
To conclude
,
while
 a youthful
population
 can offer numerous advantages, it
also
 presents challenges that
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 negatively.
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task response
Clarify the point about young adults supporting the aging population. It is not entirely clear how this support functions in your essay.
coherence cohesion
Refine the logical structure of your paragraphs. Some sentences lack clear transitions, like 'The second this occasions can lead to...' which disrupts the flow.
task response
Provide specific examples to support your points. For instance, you mention economic growth but don’t give a concrete example of a country where this is evident.
overall
The essay is generally well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You have addressed both the advantages and the disadvantages, providing a balanced view of the topic.
overall
The use of terms like 'social dynamism' and 'dependency needs' shows a strong vocabulary.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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