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Band 5

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?

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With the development of technology, the use of computers has become very popular.
Due to
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 accessibility, many
children
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 can play
computer
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games
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in
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apply
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everywhere.
Thus
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, there are many bad
effects
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 on
children
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.
Although
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 numerous bad
effects
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 have arisen
as a result
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 of
this
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, there are solutions.
This
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 issue will examine the negative impacts of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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playing
computer
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games
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 and possible solutions
of
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to
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this
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 problem.
Firstly
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, a major negative impact of playing
computer
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games
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 is the decrease in
children
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's
self-improvence
Correct your spelling
self-improvement
 in education.
In other words
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,
children
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 lose their attention against the
school
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 life.
For instance
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, many
children
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 prefer to play
games
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instead
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 of doing homework.
Thus
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, they can not pass their exams.
Moreover
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,
thet
Correct your spelling
they
that
 can not be successful in their education life. The other impact might be
health
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 problems. Because playing
computer
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games
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 affects particularly young
children
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's eye.
Therefore
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, it can cause
health
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in their brain. It is important that action is taken to combat these bad
effects
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. Parents should take all of the responsibility
specially
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especially
show examples
children
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in
Correct your spelling
an
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 early
ages
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age
show examples
.
Further
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, parents must control their playing game time and must be limited.
For instance
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, when the child
finish
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finishes
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 his homework, he can play
games
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 on
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computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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.
In addition
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, what is important
their
Add a missing verb
is their
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lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
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 should be
tought
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taught
children
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 at
school
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.
On the other hand
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,
harms
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harm
show examples
 to
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health
Add an article
the health
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of
Change preposition
from
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 playing
games
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 on
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computer
Correct article usage
a computer
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 shown to
children
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 in
school
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 by teachers or at home by parents.
For example
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, seminars can be organized in schools on
this
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 subject.
Also
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, doctors can be called to the
school
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 to explain the bad
effects
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. In conclusion, the development of technology can not be prevented and many
children
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 want to play
games
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 on
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computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
.
However
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, bad
effects
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 can be prevented by showing
harmfull
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harmful
 impacts.
Thus
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, by solving
this
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 problem, a
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health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 and
succcessful
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successful
 generation can be raised.

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coherence cohesion
Some sections of your essay would benefit from smoother transitions. For example, instead of directly jumping to a new point, try to link it with the previous one.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has one main idea and that this idea is clearly stated in the topic sentence of the paragraph.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This would enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of your arguments.
task achievement
The use of phrases like 'in other words' and 'for instance' is good. However, varying your vocabulary and sentence structures a bit more would improve readability and engagement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion nicely.
task achievement
You handle the task well by addressing both parts of the question – the negative impacts of playing computer games and the solutions to minimize these impacts.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • addiction
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • eye strain
  • inappropriate content
  • social skills
  • isolation
  • academic performance
  • time limits
  • parental supervision
  • age-appropriate
  • physical activities
  • digital literacy
  • balanced computer usage
  • excessive gaming
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