IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has negative effects on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that governments should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to control their sugar intake. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sugar #effects #people’s #health #believe #governments #control #amount #people #responsibility #intake
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It is true that consuming a large
amount
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 of processed
sugar
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 brings detrimental
health
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 issues. Some people believe that the authorities should limit individual's
sugar
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 consumption
while
Linking Words
 others say that
individuals
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 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
primary
Change the word
primarily
show examples
 responsible
to regulate
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for regulating
show examples
 their
sugar
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intake
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.
This
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 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, the authorities should
control
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 their citizens how much
amount
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 of
sugar
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intake
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 because processed
sugar
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 brings more
health
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 issues when they consume a large
amount
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
constantly.
This
Linking Words
 means the government should create awareness of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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processed
suger's
Correct your spelling
sugars
sugar's
 effect on
people
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people's
show examples
health
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 like diabetic diseases in order
to
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for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals
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 may reduce their consumption of
sugar
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 level.
For example
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, the
health
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 ministry should encourage the population to eat natural
sugar
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instead
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 of processed
sugar
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through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 conducting street camps.
Hence
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, the government has more power than normal
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
, so they can easily
control
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 people's
sugar
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intake
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 by conducting awareness.
On the other hand
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,
individuals
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 are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
primary
Change the word
primarily
show examples
 responsible for protecting their
health
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.
This
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 is because every person's
health
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 is different so they only know about their
health
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 condition whether eating large
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amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
sugar
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 or not.
For instance
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, self-
control
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 and
self-conscious
Replace the word
self-consciousness
show examples
 are the key
source
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sources
show examples
 of preventing diabetic issues, so the public should
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
 more conscious regarding their
health
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 and
control
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 their consumption of
sugar
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level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
, and
as a result
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, they stay far away from diabetic troubles. Needless to say
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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humankind
are
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is
show examples
 the decider whether they are being a
sugar
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 patient or not through regulating their
sugar
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intake
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. In conclusion,
although
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 the ruling parties should conduct
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness programs and encourage to eat natural
sugar
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,
individuals
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 should maintain and
control
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 their
health
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 without getting diabetic
health
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 problems.
Therefore
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, in my opinion,
about
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apply
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
, I strongly agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that every person has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
more
Correct word choice
greater
show examples
 responsibility to
control
Use synonyms
 their
sugar
Use synonyms
intake
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 in order to
avoiding
Change the verb
avoid
show examples
diabetic
Replace the word
diabetes
show examples
 problems.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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grammar
Work on reducing grammatical errors and improving sentence structure. Simple yet clear sentences can make a big difference.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and details to support your arguments. This will strengthen the task achievement score.
structure
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
task achievement
Good attempt to discuss both viewpoints thoroughly.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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