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Band 2.5

The average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010

#household #expenditures #japan #malaysia #year
The presented pie graph indicates the differences
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 average
house hold
Correct your spelling
household
show examples
 spending in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010 .
Overall
 , other
goods
 and
services
 in the quantity of highest.
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 two
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 became more dependent on housing , food , and transport
whereas
 health care became less spending . In terms of the data for Japan in 2010 the average
household
 living
cost
other
Change preposition
of other
show examples
goods
 and
services
accounting
Wrong verb form
accounted
show examples
 for 29%
highest
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
, followed by that of food at 27% .
While
 the average
household
 living
cost
 housing and transport made up 21% and 20% .
Living
Correct article usage
The living
show examples
cost
health
Change preposition
of health
show examples
 care remained relatively low at 6% . Regarding the figure for the
Malaysian
Replace the word
Malaysians
show examples
 in 2010 . There was a significant change opposite to other
goods
 and
services
 fell slightly at 3% . The amount of
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
average
household
 living
cost
 from housing for
Change the word
nearly
show examples
near
Replace the word
nearly
show examples
 half of the total
34
Add a missing verb
is 34
show examples
% .
Likewise
, the average
household
 living
cost
 witnessed an accounting for
3
Correct article usage
a 3
show examples
% increase .
In contrast
 , other
goods
 and
services
 , transport and health care became
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 with the figure dropping to 26% , 10% and 3% .
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity, make sure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea. This will improve logical structure and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion can be more impactful. Introduce the topic clearly and summarize your findings effectively to make your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Try to use more transitional words and phrases to connect your ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
task achievement
Although you covered most aspects of the graph, provide more detailed information and comparisons between the two countries to fully address all parts of the task.
task achievement
Several sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing. Try to simplify sentences and make sure each one clearly conveys one idea.
task achievement
You managed to compare the main categories of household expenditures in both countries, which is crucial for this type of task.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant specific examples from the data provided, enhancing the response's specificity and relevance.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure includes an introduction and body paragraphs, which are essential for coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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