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Band 5.5

People living in large cities today face many problems in their everyday life. What are these problems? Should governments encourage people to move to smaller regional towns?

#people #cities #face #life #governments #move #towns
It is believed that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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urban citizens have to encounter various issues in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. The writer of
this
 essay argues that the two major problems in big cities are the housing shortage and the bad air quality;
therefore
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should persuade residents to immigrate to rural areas. There can be no doubt how the density of population in megacities leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of accommodation for residents.
In other words
, because of the expensive land renting prices in metropolitans,
bulidings
Correct your spelling
buildings
 have to be built upward and cost a huge amount of money to buy or rent a flat.
Consequently
, not many people can afford a proper house in cities and are forced to
go
Verb problem
become
show examples
 homeless.
For instance
, San Francisco in the US is one of the major states;
however
, almost 30% of its inhabitants are homeless
due to
 the
avarage
Correct your spelling
average
 cost of a house
is
Wrong verb form
being
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 15% higher than the
avarage
Correct your spelling
average
 salary of people. Another problem worth mentioning is the air condition in many urban areas. To simplify, many companies and businesses put their headquarters in the centre of the city which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
a
Change the article
an
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 atrocious quantity of carbon
is
Wrong verb form
being
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 emitted
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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.
Subsequently
, daily exposure to those detrimental substances can pose on dwellers various health problems. Take China as a prime example where 70% of its population
suffer
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffers
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 from respiratory-related issues because of the excessive production in factories.
Thus
, it is the opinion of
this
 writer that the government should interfere and create incentives to encourage people to move to rural regions.
Further
 explaining. Taking everything into account, two problems
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which citizens have to face
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 daily basis are lack of housing and detrimental air quality.
Therefore
, it is essential for the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 to encourage residents to settle
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 smaller areas.
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task achievement
The essay can be improved by elaborating more on the point of governments encouraging people to migrate to rural areas. While the problem is clearly outlined, the solution part is quite brief.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structure of the essay such as progression of ideas from one paragraph to the other. The concluding section requires better integration with the rest of the essay.
task achievement
The essay does a good job in identifying two major problems faced by urban citizens: housing shortage and bad air quality.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples are provided to support the main points, making the arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and present, which helps in providing a well-rounded essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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