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Band 5.5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities. Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children #ages #responsibilities #school #life
Many support the idea that
children
 should have
further
 liabilities after school lessons which help them to be more responsible and independent from a young age.
However
, some argue that
childhood
 is a period that
children
 should enjoy.
This
 essay will talk about both cases with proper examples. With the revolution of technology the skills that people should have, doubled,
consequently
 parents carrying their child's
future
life
 want to teach them as many as more skills in order to be more stable and strong. The majority of parents encourage youngsters to attend extra lessons after school or help older
do
Correct pronoun usage
ones do
show examples
 housework.
While
 helping,
children
 might make some mistakes that can be their first
life
 experience or a
life
 lesson that can protect them
such
Change preposition
from such
show examples
 kind of silly mistakes in the
future
.
In addition
, trying to access something by themselves leads them to become independent and
also
 make decisions faster. There is no doubt that
to step
Verb problem
stepping into
show examples
 adult
life
 could be quite challenging.
Consequently
, an all-rounded person could be awarded in
future
life
.
That is
 why parents want to teach their
children
 from a young age.
However
, by chasing for perfect
future
 people can lose their
childhood
.
Childhood
 is one of the most vital periods of human
life
. All
childhood
 traumas and memories affect a person's
future
 mental health and lifestyle.
Therefore
, in
this
 period
children
 should enjoy their
childhood
 and should make good colourful memories.
In addition
, most of the successful people mentioned that having a good
childhood
also
 influences to person's
future
 career. In conclusion, stimulating youngsters to do extra work outside of school time can provide them bright
future
.
Nonetheless
, forcing them to do excessive tasks can take their cheerful
childhood
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, effectively discussing both views. However, try to incorporate more specific examples to support your points further.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a clear structure throughout the essay by ensuring that each paragraph has a central idea and flows logically to the next. Use transition words to improve the cohesion between sentences and paragraphs.
language
Your essay contains minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Review your sentences for accuracy and clarity.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your essay.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both views, showing an understanding of the task requirements.
task achievement
The points you've made are relevant and well thought out.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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