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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Young people are highly influenced by famous people, and they look up to them as role models. Is that a positive or negative development?

#people #role #models #development
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In our society, celebrities have a strong effect on youngsters. I believe that it may lead to adverse ramifications as they can have a bad role model and not be pleased with their lives. First of all, the youth may tend to imitate the influencer's
behavior
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behaviour
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 as role models. To illustrate that, teenagers may develop bad habits as they imitate the characters of actors they admire. As an example of that, when they watch a movie where the actor smokes, they may want to try smoking. Not only that, but violence can increase among youngsters because of their following popular gamers who are interested in video games that focus on fighting.
For instance
, most gamers share their BUPG game on YouTube, and they have millions of followers.
Moreover
, nowadays, some famous people show off the luxury possessions they purchase every day on social media. As an explanation for that, young children do not have enough awareness to realize that parents cannot be able to bring everything they want.
Hence
, if they do not buy expensive brands, they may be miserable about their lives which puts an effort on their family.
For example
, many girls are interested in buying Hermes bags just because they see a photo on Instagram of people they admire holding it.
To sum up
, it seems to me that there is a negative development for the young generation being influenced by celebrities since they can develop bad
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and may not be satisfied with their life.
Submitted by btool.taher on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task prompt well, but it could be improved by addressing potential counterarguments for a balanced discourse.
task achievement
The essay presents clear ideas, but some sentences are a bit unclear and might confuse the reader. Strive for clarity in each sentence.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples, but adding more support or varying the examples could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, but the transitions between the paragraphs can be a bit smoother. Try using more transitional phrases to enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph supports the main argument, and you have a strong conclusion. Just ensure that each point is thoroughly developed.
coherence cohesion
Creating more distinct paragraphs and properly developing each point in isolation could help in improving the essay's readability.
task achievement
You've addressed the task prompt well with relevant points supporting your view.
task achievement
The examples provided are contextual and relevant to the points made.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps present the main argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a coherent idea that ties back to the main argument.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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