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Band 5.5

In some countries a high proportion of criminal acts are performed by teenagers. Why is the case? What can be done about it?

#countries #proportion #acts #teenagers #case
It is true that the rate of juvenile
crime
 is high in certain countries.
This
 writer
believe
Change the verb form
believes
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 that
this
 is because of terrible parental upbringing and bad financial situation,
while
this
 can be addressed by the government providing free
education
. Central to
this
 issue is bad parental
education
 causing juvenile
crime
.
This
 is particularly
due to
 irresponsible
parents
whom
Change the pronoun
who
show examples
 are overly lenient or unreasonably strict.
As a result
, children will be free to run wild or rebel against their
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 by committing
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
.
For example
,
teenagers
 whose
parents
 do not care much about their moral
education
 will likely
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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perform illegal actions. Another aspect worth considering is worse financial background. When the child’s family is incapable of ensuring his or her living, the individual will have to make their own living to support his or her family.
Combine
Wrong verb form
Combined
show examples
 with labour regulations, children whose age
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not meet age requirements to be a worker will be forced to join illegal groups or organizations to make easy money to support their
parents
.
This
 can be easily seen in many countries where bank robbery or petty
crime
 by
teenagers
 wanting to help their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 are the norm.
However
,
this
 can be solved by the government applying free
education
 schemes. These incentives should be applied in places that are breeding grounds of
crime
 in order to reach maximum efficiency. By
this
 method,
teenagers
whom both their
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
 educational and financial
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
 are bad will be able to acknowledge
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
laws, legislations and alternative but legal ways to help their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 with monetary burdens.
Therefore
,
crime
 by
teenagers
 will be committed less. Taking all points into account,
this
 phenomenon is believed to
root
Wrong verb form
be rooted
show examples
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 worse upbringing by
parents
 and monetary background.
Hence
, governments applying no-fee
education
 programmes will be a viable solution.
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task achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt by addressing both the causes and solutions for juvenile crime. To improve, try to develop each point more fully and include additional supportive examples to strengthen your arguments further.
advices
Ensure grammatical accuracy and refine sentence structures to make your essay more fluid. Phrases like 'likely to perform illegal actions' should be corrected to 'likely to engage in illegal activities.' This will enhance clarity and readability.
advices
In the paragraph discussing bad parental education, consider providing more diverse examples or case studies to illustrate the point more vividly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph has a defined focus, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the task effectively, discussing the reasons behind juvenile crime and proposing a practical solution. This shows a thorough understanding of the task.
task achievement
The use of specific details, such as the mention of irresponsible parents and financial difficulties, adds depth to your arguments and helps to engage the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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