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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people rergad this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important learning and taking responsiblities? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#countries #children #work #people #rergad #responsiblities
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Since a long time ago,
children
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has
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have
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 been offered to help adults do simple tasks with a certain amount of pay.
While
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 more and more people start allowing
children
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learn
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to learn
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 the value of
work
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 and money, there can be many misconduct for the kind of labour done under the gray area.
This
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 essay will talk about finding the balance between both views and state several opinions in
regards
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regard
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 to
this
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. In America, it is common to see young
children
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 from the
neighboring
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neighbouring
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 house sweep the leaves
on
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in
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 their yard or deliver a simple item from an elderly for an extra dime. Fortunately, their parents monitor these small actions and allow
this
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 type of
work
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 because it introduces the value of money and responsibility to the
children
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 at
such
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young
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a young
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 age.
Moreover
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, the
children
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 who experienced a jump start of experiencing money
,
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apply
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 will learn how transaction works, and will not be surprised when they have to enter the world of
work
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 later in life.
This
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 is done under the condition that the
children
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 will have a balanced time for education, entertainment, and
work
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.
Although
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this
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 method of parenting is considered smart, it is most of the time executed poorly because of many underlying factors. Frankly, the biggest
take away
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takeaway
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 from
this
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 working scheme is when some tasks that are given to the
children
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 are not up to standards. Sometimes, these tasks involve those who live in an underdeveloped country, where they ought to help their parents
fulfill
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fulfil
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the
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their
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 financial needs under the circumstance of extreme poverty. As an example, the
children
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 in Africa are assigned to help their parents by working in the mines from the age of 15.
However
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, many irresponsible companies take advantage of
this
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 situation by allowing child labour because they require
a
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apply
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lower pay. The example is visible through the endless campaigns of chocolate factories
such
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 as Tony's
who
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 choose to source their cacao beans from farms that do not
conducts
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conduct
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 child
labor
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labour
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. In conclusion, most child labour are done irresponsibly to cause danger to
children
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 and exploit their childhood,
hence
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 why, it should only be done under the monitoring of a responsible parent.
Submitted by kelly on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure you introduce the main points clearly and stick to them throughout the essay. Some parts of the discussion seem a bit scattered. For instance, mentioning specific tasks children do in developed countries and comparing it with severe child labor cases in underdeveloped countries could use clearer transitions.
Task Achievement
You need to provide more supporting examples or statistics to make the arguments stronger. While you mentioned the example of children working in chocolate factories, more data or specifics could solidify your points further.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay could benefit from a more structured approach, such as clearly separating arguments for and against child labor in distinct paragraphs. This helps in guiding the reader more efficiently through your points.
Task Achievement
Your essay shows good understanding of the different dimensions of the issue, mentioning both the positive aspects of child work and the dangers of child labor exploitation.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which encapsulate the essence of your discussion.
Task Achievement
The use of relevant examples like the chocolate factories adds a real-world touch to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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