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Band 4.5

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people rergad this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important learning and taking responsiblities? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#countries #children #work #people #rergad #responsiblities
Since a long time ago,
children
has
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have
show examples
 been offered to help adults do simple tasks with a certain amount of pay.
While
 more and more people start allowing
children
learn
Fix the infinitive
to learn
show examples
 the value of
work
 and money, there can be many misconduct for the kind of labour done under the gray area.
This
 essay will talk about finding the balance between both views and state several opinions in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
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 to
this
. In America, it is common to see young
children
 from the
neighboring
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neighbouring
show examples
 house sweep the leaves
on
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in
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 their yard or deliver a simple item from an elderly for an extra dime. Fortunately, their parents monitor these small actions and allow
this
 type of
work
 because it introduces the value of money and responsibility to the
children
 at
such
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 age.
Moreover
, the
children
 who experienced a jump start of experiencing money
,
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apply
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 will learn how transaction works, and will not be surprised when they have to enter the world of
work
 later in life.
This
 is done under the condition that the
children
 will have a balanced time for education, entertainment, and
work
.
Although
this
 method of parenting is considered smart, it is most of the time executed poorly because of many underlying factors. Frankly, the biggest
take away
Correct your spelling
takeaway
show examples
 from
this
 working scheme is when some tasks that are given to the
children
 are not up to standards. Sometimes, these tasks involve those who live in an underdeveloped country, where they ought to help their parents
fulfill
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fulfil
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 financial needs under the circumstance of extreme poverty. As an example, the
children
 in Africa are assigned to help their parents by working in the mines from the age of 15.
However
, many irresponsible companies take advantage of
this
 situation by allowing child labour because they require
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lower pay. The example is visible through the endless campaigns of chocolate factories
such
 as Tony's
who
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which
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 choose to source their cacao beans from farms that do not
conducts
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conduct
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 child
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
. In conclusion, most child labour are done irresponsibly to cause danger to
children
 and exploit their childhood,
hence
 why, it should only be done under the monitoring of a responsible parent.
Submitted by kelly on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure you introduce the main points clearly and stick to them throughout the essay. Some parts of the discussion seem a bit scattered. For instance, mentioning specific tasks children do in developed countries and comparing it with severe child labor cases in underdeveloped countries could use clearer transitions.
Task Achievement
You need to provide more supporting examples or statistics to make the arguments stronger. While you mentioned the example of children working in chocolate factories, more data or specifics could solidify your points further.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay could benefit from a more structured approach, such as clearly separating arguments for and against child labor in distinct paragraphs. This helps in guiding the reader more efficiently through your points.
Task Achievement
Your essay shows good understanding of the different dimensions of the issue, mentioning both the positive aspects of child work and the dangers of child labor exploitation.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which encapsulate the essence of your discussion.
Task Achievement
The use of relevant examples like the chocolate factories adds a real-world touch to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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