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Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more young people are using drugs and alcohol and as a result, breaking the law. What are the causes of this problem? What are some possible solutions?

#people #drugs #alcohol #law
Young
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The young
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 generation is vital for the development of all countries in the world.
However
, there is
higher
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a higher
the higher
show examples
 number of addictive people or crimes from that group. By analysing the root causes from influences of
economical
Replace the word
economic
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 condition and
repsonsibilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 of families,
this
 essay attempts to suggest some
feassible
Correct your spelling
feasible
 approaches to mitigate
given
Correct article usage
the given
show examples
 phenomenon.
Firstly
, we should
see
Verb problem
look
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 directly into the fact that fresh graduates
is having
Wrong verb form
have had
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low
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a low
the low
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 figure of employment rate in recent years. The lower
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of chances to find a job, the higher
possibility
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the possibility
show examples
 that young ones could fall into addiction as the
desparated
Correct your spelling
desperate
 way to escape from hopeless
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
.
For example
, when someone is living in poverty, they could be a
theif
Correct your spelling
thief
 and
then
 steal money from others. The solution
for
Change preposition
to
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this
 factor is doable if we could find more jobs for younger workers. That only happens when they have better preparation for skills and knowledge to be more
competive
Correct your spelling
competitive
 in
labour
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the labour
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 market.
Hence
, more investment
for
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in
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 education should be considered by our dear leaders.
Secondly
, the increase in
divorce
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the divorce
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 rate, especially in developed nations, could be related to
mentioned
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a mentioned
the mentioned
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 social problem.
The
Correct article usage
A
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 childhood that lacked
of
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apply
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care and attention from parents could get immature minds to expose with bad habits and tend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
against surrounding communities.
For instance
, without proper education, they may believe that using drugs or alcohol is not as bad as it should be. To cope with
this
 cause, I suggest that the involvement of families is the key
drivers
Fix the agreement mistake
driver
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 to prevent addiction and reduce
criminal
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the criminal
show examples
 rate from that group.
Instead
 of spending too much time in
workplace
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the workplace
show examples
, both parents should talk more with their children and
then
 immediately give them
advises
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advice
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 whenever they
need
Correct pronoun usage
need it
show examples
.
While
 the unwanted situation for
lower
Add an article
the lower
a lower
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 age group is increasing, there is more demand to have quick reactions to stop that tendency. Personally, I have
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
show examples
 belief
for
Change preposition
that
show examples
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 generation if we grant them better conditions for their development
Submitted by dinhthong1902 on

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task achievement
Try to clarify your ideas more explicitly, especially when discussing solutions. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and sticks to it.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between different parts of the essay. Make each paragraph flow smoothly into the next to maintain coherence.
coherence cohesion
Include a more detailed introduction and conclusion to frame your arguments better. Summarize your main points briefly at the end.
task achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. Instead of general statements, include concrete examples or statistics to back up your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in maintaining coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses both causes and solutions to the problem, showing a complete response to the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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